What is Chastity?

We might sometimes ask whether “chastity” is a term still in use, or a virtue which is less and less present today… But we should understand it’s meaning and how it can be beautiful to experience.

Does it still exist?

If you asked a young person of today what the virtue of chastity is, they would look at you, almost confusedly, asking what it is you’re talking about. Some might reply it’s “something” we don’t do anymore, from the Middle Ages. Chastity may be seen as a mortification practice, to humiliate; a sort of “castration” of the person. This conviction seems to only get stronger when we look at the Christian tradition where monks and nuns take a “vow of chastity”, never marrying and locking themselves into a monastery or convent. And so, today, if we mention chastity, it’s almost always in a negative or outdated context.

Deprivation or liberation?

When talking about chastity, the real problem is we believe that those who live it have to renounce carnal pleasures, without knowing why, depriving themselves of a human joy.

It’s true, pleasure is not something negative in itself and it’s not considered so by those who experience it. Sexual experiences, at increasingly younger ages and more widely spread among the youth, testify to the search of a pleasure without limits. We are “free” when we can live our sexuality without constraint or cultural limitations. However, living like this doesn’t seem to make us any freer; a sexuality left to its own devices, provokes addiction, frustration, wounds and a feeling of being empty in our hearts.

Giving, is really gaining

Chastity is the path on which I will learn to love the other. Egoism defines itself in possessing, provoking pleasure for itself; love is founded on the gift of self which elates the other’s heart. Living chastely is choosing to respect the other, their existence, their body, their being and welcoming all that they are, in a profound mystery which exceeds us. True joy is when I am able to make another feel they are a special and unique being; it’s in valorising gestures like holding hands or caressing. The trivialisation of sexuality dries out relationships, destroying them and taking away the beauty of being together, damaging trust and tenderness.

Object or person?

The television tells us of an ever-increasing violence towards women. This is due to an objectification of the person, which gives us the impression we’re allowed to use the other, to do what we want with them, and how we want it. This means the other feels ‘abused’, ‘robbed’, ‘violated’ in their body and their being; even if, underneath it all there may be sincere feelings of affection or attraction. Indeed, it’s not enough to feel something for someone, to then be able to give ourselves entirely to them.

In love, there’s no rush!

To avoid becoming dry instruments of pleasure, here’s the key word: patience! I know, especially for young people, it’s a synonym for torture, but waiting for important steps and key moments, when it comes to love, is essential for a romantic or friendly relationship to be constructed and endure in the long term. Love, in its deep and intimate reality, cannot be experienced immediately. Time has to be given to get to know the other, to understand their feelings and whether they’re real, and their way of thinking, their character, their expectations and desires. The fruit of love can only be picked when it’s ripe, at that point it’ll be sweet and a source of happiness.

What do you think? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• Is masturbation harmful?
• Managing your sexuality: how and why?
• Why do we need to educate ourselves about sexuality and Feelings?

Does masturbation make you deaf?

In previous generations, they tended to scaremonger rather than explain. A knock-on effect of this is, those who encourage masturbation today, try to guilt trip those who want to control their bodies, making it seem out-dated. The whole thing is a minefield.

Every other day we come across articles aiming to get rid of old-fashioned fears concerning masturbation. Explaining how experiencing pleasure alone is the best way to know your body and the best way of preparing for and accomplishing a satisfying sexual relationship. It even promises to enhance sexual maturity as a teenager.

Under the guidance of self-proclaimed professionals, and using arguments which are far less scientific, a new sense of what’s “moral” gets sketched out. Those for whom masturbation is a turning in on yourself, something which cannot make you happy, are now seen as neurotic and afraid of the body, retrogressive because they still believe masturbation is bad for your health, and puritan because they see sin where an innocent and beneficial pleasure is being satisfied. Isn’t pleasure the same thing whether or not we get it from ourselves or from someone else? Isn’t life stressful enough already without denying ourselves the relaxation of this simple pleasure? What’s wrong with making use of what nature, if not God, so generously offers us? What is this sad morality which walks away from joy? One of the zero-risk pleasures in life, and the Church forbids it. They’re doing it deliberately right? It’s masochistic.

True sexuality…?

Do these arguments manage to make you feel guilty and ashamed of your seemingly obscure principles and beliefs? Because the very people who criticise Christian morality (which is in fact natural morality) of guilt tripping people, turn it around and instil feelings of guilt and fear in those who don’t agree with them. Asking questions like, are you really a balanced person if you control your body so strictly? Are you normal? Are you capable of having a fulfilling sex life?

If you think sexuality is not just the simple functioning of organs like any other bodily organs, you must be Catholic because the Church is the only one left encouraging a sexual morality which is not only to do with bodily health. You’re sensible enough to see that yes, masturbation makes us deaf. Promoters of masturbation can’t hear the simple truth that sex is not made to used as a way to isolate ourselves, but is made for loving communion. And you’re logical in recognising with humility that where your body has gotten the better of you, the mercy of God will save you from all guilt and fear.

So, does masturbation make us deaf? Yes, at least those who promote it!

And you, what do you think? Come and talk to us via the chat’!

Going further:

• What’s wrong with masturbation?
• How does porn effect society?
• What does pornography do to women?

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Source: extract from an article by Sophie Lutz for ‘Famille chrétienne’, in 2013.

Is counseling a must for the porn addict?

Question

I found out my husband was addicted to porn 3 years into our marriage – 13 years ago. He went to counseling, we went to counseling, he went to SA, I went to Sanon – He acted out off and on and struggled on his own. I thought we were free from it at least since 2006. I found out in March that he had been viewing again with the newly acquired Kindle from last year.

All along lying if I would ask… Even now he doesn’t really recognize or admit to the fact that this is hurtful to “us” –our marriage and our family — although he knows it is certainly wrong. He has “given up” everything including all electronics (again) but he “doesn’t need” help or anyone to tell him what to do, nor will he talk about it with me.

If I try to talk or have a reasonable discussion forget it – “I don’t want to talk about it!” is all I hear. We live in a tiny town with little resources for this and also have no way to afford counseling but I would LOVE to have help. Is there even any real hope of true help without the counseling, 12 step group or anything like that? Also, he will not really pray with me although he goes to Mass regularly and has gone to confession since he was found out by me back in March. Besides divine intervention is there any reason I should hope for things to really improve? Who can really know these answers?

Answer

by Dr Peter C. Kleponis*

While it is important to pray for healing, and God does sometimes deliver people from addiction, I don’t believe a person can truly recover from an addiction without participating in a comprehensive recovery program. There are several components needed for an effective recovery program, which I cover in the Integrity Restored Recovery Program. They are:

1. Self-knowledge and Commitment: Admitting one has an addiction, taking responsibility for it, and being fully committed to recovery. This also includes recognizing one’s triggers and developing strategies to avoid acting out.

2 Purifying Your Life: Removing all pornography and any source of pornography from one’s life, and making sure it doesn’t come back. It also includes using Internet filter and accountability systems, guarding one’s eyes, and respecting other people’s bodies.

3. Support and Accountability: Recovery comes through community. An addict needs to surround himself with others who understand the struggle, who will support him, and keep him accountable in recovery. He will do the same for them. This is where 12-step recovery groups are crucial. It is almost impossible to recover from an addiction alone.

4. Counseling: We need to look at the pornography use as the symptom. The real question is: “What is driving the need to compulsively view pornography?” Counseling can help an addict uncover and resolve the root causes of the addiction. This can lead to true healing and lasting sobriety. For couples, marital therapy is needed for healing the marriage.

5. Spiritual Plan: A healthy relationship with God is necessary for recovery. Here an addict realizes how deeply loved his is. He can receive God’s love, healing, mercy, compassion and forgiveness. All of this will give him the strength to persevere and succeed in recovery.

6. Education: As with any issue to overcome, education is necessary for recovery. An addict must understand the addiction and recovery proves. Many addicts are unaware of what healthy sexuality and intimacy are. Education in these areas is also necessary for healthy recovery.

7. Virtue: To fight a vice one must use virtue. The ultimate goal of recovery is not just sobriety, but transformation. This means allowing God to come into one’s life and transform him into a new creation. This happens through prayer and living a virtuous life. This can reinforce the progress one has made in recovery. It also leads to healed relationships.

In a situation like yours, you may need to give your husband an ultimatum. Either he gets help or you are leaving him. Often addicts need to realize how much they stand to lose to get them to commit to a recovery program. This is tough love. You must stand by your convictions.

If he is not willing to get help after receiving an ultimatum, then you will know that pornography is more important to him than his wife and kids. That would not be a healthy environment for you or your kids. Fortunately, when wives are serious about their ultimatums, husbands usually respond positively.

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• Wich path of recovery from porn addiction?
• Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me.
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?

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(1) Dr Peter Kleponis Ph.D. is a Licensed clinical psychotherapist. He’s a faithful Catholic who specializes in helping those struggling to be free of pornography.

A delegation of our association Lights in the Dark, went to Assisi for the beatification of Carlo Acutis. A meeting was planned with his mother, but what was not foreseen was that she proposed to deliver a video message to you! Discover Carlo Acutis’s mother message.

 

Carlo Acutis’s mother message :

The problem is that today, many young people visit pornographic sites. Internet can be a great tool but also be a bad one. Pornography is a plague and it attack people on charity.

It uses people and leads them to have wrong behaviour towards them. Pornography creates problems to young people : problems with their faith, their charity and their affectivity. it is really a bad thing.

Carlo used to warn his friends against pornography. When he died, the diocesan cause took his computer. They have never find a pornographic site on all his browsing history. He was truly pure and purity was very important to him, it meant a lot.

The Virgin Mary insisted a lot on this. When she appeared in Fatima, she said that many souls go to hell for the sin of the flesh. It is very dangerous for your soul !

So it is very important to go to the confession as soon as you fail. If it is to difficult to you, you can go to the confession every day and ask help from heaven. The evil is using this to destroy family, young people. It is truly an attack against charity, faith, hope and all virtues, it is one of his favorite tools.

I like your association which helps young people and all people who are victims of these addictions, it is like a drug. You know, studies show that it creates brain synapses equal to those created by cocaïne… This is really incredible !

I will really pray for your association and for all the people you will help.

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Who is Carlo Acutis?
• When pope Francis spoke to the youth about Carlo
• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

Article by Dr. Peter C. Kleponis*, first published with the title Pornography and the Catholic Church, on Theporneffect.com.

The church has much to say about pornography. This is because porn injures the dignity of everyone involved – producers and consumers. 

Sexuality is a wonderful gift from God! It is meant to be shared by a husband and wife as an expression of their love which is unitive and can lead to procreation.

Pornography reduces sex to nothing more than a recreational activity where people are simply used for personal pleasure. With pornography, there is no relationship, love, intimacy, responsibility, unity or openness to new life. People are simply treated as objects. It is a disordered use of sexuality, which can hurt people physically, emotionally, relationally and spiritually. Use of pornography is a grave sin. It wounds our relationship with God, which can threaten our eternal salvation.

For married people, pornography use is a form of adultery. For single people, pornography use is a form of fornication. Both of these are serious sins.

Pornography offends against chastity, and there are no reasons to justify its use. It’s important to remember that the Church’s sanction against pornography is not meant to be a way of controlling people or preventing them from enjoying life. Quite to the contrary, it is meant to protect people so they can enjoy a healthy life and live it to the fullest!

An offense against chastity

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, pornography is an offense against chastity:

“Pornography consists in removing real of simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants, since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involves in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.” CCC 2354.

Masturbation most often accompanies pornography use, but even when it does not, it is an offense against chastity:

“Masturbation is the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”  CCC 3528.

 

The Pontifical Council for Social Communications has commented widely on the dangers of pornography use:

• Pornography in the media is a “violation, through the use of audiovisual techniques, of the right to privacy of the human body.” (Pontifical Council for Social Communications, 1989).

• You are aiding a billion-dollar criminal enterprise “Production and dissemination of these materials could not continue if there were not a market for them, so those who use such materials not only do moral harm to themselves but contribute to the continuation of a nefarious trade” (11, Pontifical Council for Social Communications).

• You run the risk of carrying over the attitudes and behavior presented in pornography into your own relationships and may begin to lack reverence and respect for others (13, Pontifical Council for Social Communications).

• Even so called “soft porn” can have a progressively desensitizing effect, gradually rendering you morally numb and personally insensitive to the rights and dignity of others. Exposure to pornography can be habit forming and lead you to seek increasingly “hard core” and perverse material (14, Pontifical Council for Social Communications).

• It can interfere with personal moral growth and the development of healthy and mature relationships, especially in marriage and family life, where mutual trust and openness and personal moral integrity are so important. (15, Pontifical Council for Social Communications).

• When sexual activity and/or pornography is used for personal gratification rather than as an expression of enduring love in marriage, it becomes a factor contributing to the undermining of wholesome family life (16, Pontifical Council for Social Communications).

• In the worst cases, pornography can act as an inciting or reinforcing agent, a kind of accomplice, in the behavior of dangerous sex offenders – child molesters, rapists and killers (17, Pontifical Council for Social Communications).

Bishops of the Catholic Church have also warned against the dangers of pornography:

• “The problem with pornography is not that it reveals too much of the person (exposed in the image), but that it reveals too little of the person. The person in the image is reduced to their sexual organs and sexual faculties and is thereby de-personalized.” Bishop Robert Finn. Blessed Are The Pure In Heart: A Pastoral Letter on the Dignity of the Human Person and the Dangers of Pornography, February 21, 2007.

• “Perhaps worst of all, however, is the damage that pornography does to man’s “template” for the supernatural… How can we understand the supernatural sight God desires for us – i.e. the contemplation of God in the beatific vision – once our natural sight has been damaged and distorted?” Bishop Paul S. Loverde. Bought With A Price : Every Man’s Duty to Protect Himself and His Family From a Pornographic Culture, 2014

The Catholic Church in her infinite wisdom has always viewed sexuality as a beautiful gift that is reserved for marriage. To use sex in any other way corrupts God’s plan and can only lead to heartache.

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• What does pornography do to marriages?
• Will marriage resolve my pornography addiction?
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?

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Notes

Dr. Peter C. Kleponis Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in West Conshohocken, PA.

The consequences of porn on your health… both mental and physical

We can’t lie to ourselves: the consequences of porn on our mental and physical health are both numerous and serious…

 

1. Loss of sexual performancee

According to neurobiologist Jean-Didier Vincent, author of The Devil and the Flesh (1) consumption of pornographic pictures produces too much dopamine, which then accumulates and leads to the desensitisation of our sensory receptors. It’s as if they stop responding so well in the wake of insisting so much, which in turn leads to the reduction of sexual performance during intercourse. The imagination, muddled by incessant and pervasive images, inhibits our experience of reality and real sexual interaction. In this way, porn has disastrous and destructive consequences on the sexual intimacy within a couple and people’s self-confidence.

2. For guys, it’s a bad example which degrades the image of woman (and vice versa)

Stripped of the sentiments of love, pornographic pictures and videos ridicule the true needs of a woman in the sexual domain. It’s something which is absolutely not taken into account in porn: the importance of preliminary caresses, and the need for gentleness and tenderness, eg. Boys whose sexual education is provided by X-rated films will treat their partners bluntly. In this way, pornography engenders sexual violence, sometimes escalating to rape: which is the complete opposite of a sexuality which is responsible for and respectful of the other.

3. For girls, it provokes an imitation game (and vice versa)

Pornographic websites traffic a vision of sexuality where only the performance counts, often embellishing sexual frolics for an audience. Girls are all too often persuaded they should be “sexy and docile” with their partners, and so start emptily searching to compete with “porn-stars”. They take on the role of the compliant “sex-friend” concerned about staying in the game!

They believe they have to multiply their sexual encounters, using increasingly racy positions – sadomasochism etc. also to be open to partner-swapping or similar risky behaviour.

Those who don’t react by treating men like a piece of meat, as porn would have it, find themselves trapped, frustrated in their need for female sensual pleasure. So they turn away from men, preferring women. In this situation we are so far away from understanding and learning the true gift of self, within respect of our bodies, which will enables us to offer what we have best, to the other. And if they remain heterosexual, a high number of young women simply don’t want to have sex anymore, as explained by Gynaecologist Pia de Reilhac, President of the National Federation of the Colleges of Medical Gynaecology, warning us of the influence of X-rated films on the sexual life of young adults (2):

“More and more young women are telling us they don’t experience pleasure with their partners. We are observing a great distress. Some of them confide in me saying, “I don’t want to have sex anymore”, “I don’t have pleasure anymore”, “it’s rubbish”, “they’re all the same”. These young women, who aren’t even 25yrs old, don’t like to make love with their partner, who tries to imitate porn actors.”

4. Porn, a habit which quickly becomes an addiction

In France, Psychoanalysts estimate the number of victims of sex addiction at 5%, including physical addiction to real sex, and addiction to pornography (3).

Porn follows the classic schema of any addiction, which is characterised by:

• requent impossibility to control a behaviour aiming to produce pleasure
• carrying out this behaviour despite knowing its negative consequences.

We are talking about addiction:

• when the need outweighs the desire, when having sensations replace having a relationship.
• when behaviours with the potential for pleasure become compulsive, and obtaining pleasure or relieving tension is made a priority.
• when passion generated by this addiction overwhelms reason.

Like any addiction, porn drives us fatally to increasingly “hardcore” practices. Easily accessed thanks to the availability of the internet, the spiral is infernal.

As in any addictive process, and the consumption of porn is no different, behaviour is modified progressively, following a series of steps:

Unlike drugs, porn addiction won’t result in an overdose causing immediate death, however, it will end up isolating the individual, driving them to have a sexual “burn-out” and even provoking clinical depression, which carries its own load of consequences on the physical and mental health of the person, including suicide, not to mention the direct effect on the people around them (violence).

So how can you break out of it?

• Porno : comment s’en sortir ? (la vidéo complète)

What do you think? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• How does porn effect society ?
• What’s wrong with masturbation ?
• Porn: What’s the problem?

 

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Notes

(1) “La Chair et le Diable”, éditions Odile Jacob, Paris, France.

(2) Source : Le Parisien/Aujourd’hui en France (french newspaper) : Sexualité des jeunes adultes : “La pornographie fait des dégâts graves”

(3) Source : Santé Magazine (french magazine).

 

Wich path of recovery from porn addiction?

By Dr. Peter Kleponis, clinical psychotherapist*.

You want to recover from a porn addiction? Let’s look at what does and doesn’t work:

What Doesn’t Work

• Trying to overcome pornography use on your own
• Believing that praying more and being more religious will take it away
• Minimizing the problem, hoping it will just go away
• Hiding the problem from your wife
• Being too embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help

What Does Work

• Admitting to your self and at least one other person that you have a problem
• Taking responsibility for getting help
• Letting go of shame associated with pornography addiction
• Seeking the help you need
• Being accountable to others
• Walking with the Lord every day in recovery
• Being willing to do whatever it takes to recover!

Over the past ten years I have evaluated many recovery programs. I have seen what works and what doesn’t work. From them I have developed a 7-point plan for recovery that includes the best of what does work.

7-point plan for recovery

1. Self-knowledge and Commitment: Every day admitting to yourself that you have a problem and that you are responsible for getting help. Being committed to doing whatever it takes to recover.

2. Purifying Your Environment: Getting rid of all pornography and anything that reminds you of it. This includes destroying magazines, videotapes, and DVDs, blocking sexual Internet sites, avoiding certain businesses or parts of town, and even ending unhealthy relationships.

3. Support and Accountability: Anyone who has been successful in recovery knows you cannot do it alone. There are no “Lone Rangers” in recovery. You need other men who can support you in recovery as well as make you accountable for your actions. 12-step groups, such as Sexaholics Anonymous, and Catholic men’s groups, like The Kings Men, are needed for support and accountability.

4. Counseling: This is needed to get to the root cause of pornography use. Often issues like shame, loneliness, anger, childhood abuse and abandonment, and pure selfishness are the root causes of pornography use. These emotional conflicts need to be resolved for recovery to be lasting. Without this, any sobriety will be a “white knuckle” sobriety, and there will always be a struggle with strong temptations to use pornography. Counseling is also needed to insure that all other points of the recovery plan are in place and working properly. For married men, marital counseling is needed to heal the deep wounds to their marriage caused by porn use. Wives may also need counseling to help them recover from the trauma caused by their husband’s pornography use.

5. Spiritual Plan: Anyone who has been successful in recovery also knows that a strong relationship with our Lord is necessary. This includes daily prayer, spiritual reading, the sacraments and even working with a priest in spiritual direction. A healthy spiritual life can help reduce selfishness, loneliness, anger, and fear. It can also help strengthen confidence and raise self esteem. In addition, it can help heal deep emotional wounds. Daily walking with the Lord can make recovery a lot easier.

6. Education: You need to educate yourself on the dangers of pornography, its addictiveness, and what it does to relationships. You then need to share this knowledge with others. It becomes increasingly difficult to fall into using porn when you know the truth about it. In recovery, several books are recommended to educate men, and their wives, on the truth about pornography.

7. Virtue: This is unique to this recovery plan. By working every day to grow in virtue, men find it easier to avoid pornography. It is said that the true measure of manhood lies in virtue. The virtuous man strives to live a life of integrity that avoids all vices, including porn. It can be very difficult to fall into using pornography when a man is striving to grow in chastity, honesty, faithfulness, charity, and courage.

I call this a seven-point plan of recovery and not a seven-step plan because each point is of equal importance. They all need to be worked on in unison. This is not difficult as the points overlap. True success comes when recovery becomes a lifestyle. When this happens, working on all points daily becomes easy.

It has been my experience that when all points of the plan are addressed daily, sobriety and recovery can be achieved. Often when a man reports he has fallen into using porn, at least one of the points was not addressed.

The first step in recovery is asking for help. This is done by finding a qualified therapist who can work with you to develop and effective recovery program. I have worked with hundreds of men to overcome pornography use and addiction. I want to invite you to contact my office to schedule an appointment and to begin the healing process.

• His website : PeterKleponis.com

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• Prayer for deliverance from porn addiction, what good can it do?
• What are the consequences of porn on your health ?
• Jessica Hariss: “I was a porn addict” (video)

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Notes

(*) Dr. Peter Kleponis is a clinical psychotherapist. He’s a faithful Catholic who specializes in helping those struggling to be free of pornography. He can conduct counseling sessions via Zoom or can recommend a Catholic psychotherapist in your area.