Testimony: God delivered me from an addiction to masturbation that started in my teens.
An addiction to masturbation linked to deep suffering
This addiction was linked to deep emotional pain. And I felt even worse because I longed for something else – to follow Christ with my whole being and my whole life. There were times of respite, one of them even lasted two years… But invariably, I always ended up slipping back into it, like an inevitable fate that I had to accept for my whole life. I used to dream about living without feeling like a slave to my body!
I had an opportunity to work on this suffering during a therapy session that helped me to free myself from some of the guilt that was suffocating me. I also made the choice – for three years – not to mention this addiction when I went to confession with a priest, believing that I wasn’t killing anyone, after all… In the end, I couldn’t find full deliverance, it seemed impossible to me.
It may be necessary to consult an addiction psychologist who specializes in masturbation addiction, which often goes hand in hand with pornography.
Healing of the heart
In July 2008, I decided to attend a gathering at Paray-le-Monial, the Emmanuel Community’s international sessions. The day before leaving, I once again could not resist the temptation. And then I felt so dirty and ashamed that I didn’t want to go. But I said to myself: “Even if I feel dirty, I will still be happier with Jesus in Paray-le-Monial.” In fact, Paray is also called the city of the heart of Jesus…
So I arrived in Paray on July 9, 2008. I had only just sat down in the chapel of apparitions when I felt all that I had to confess about masturbation flood into me, without having prepared anything. It was such a huge surge! I soon got up to go to confession at the back of the chapel, but I didn’t know how to put into words everything I was feeling and stopped halfway through, repeating this one sentence to the priest: “My heart is so tight.”
After the session began, I chose the seminar “The love that doesn’t progress.” It was led by Elisabeth and François Content, in the main tent, in front of this great icon of Jesus delivering Adam and Eve from hell. The teaching took place over two sessions. From the very beginning of the first session, I was struck by how much all the words of the couple who were teaching resonated with me, as if they had written their speech especially for me, revisiting my entire history. At the same time, in every part of me, I experienced a sensation of both power and gentleness. And I knew that it came from Jesus and that I could see it on the large icon. I also felt complete freedom: I wasn’t trapped in this place and I was free to leave if I wanted. I instantly chose to stay, just because I felt good and I felt something important was happening inside me.
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Through confession
The next day, July 12, I went to confession again, this time in the open air, in Chapelins Park, and said everything I needed to say. The priest listened to me patiently and then, when he spoke, I felt the true liberation that I had no longer believed in. This deliverance was fulfilled as he spoke! I got up filled with joy. I went straight to adoration (where Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament is exposed for people to pray before Him). The wind was making the hanging monstrance sway. Every second time, it turned towards me. I knew that this was because of the wind and the place where I was but the only thing that mattered was what I felt in my heart with immense happiness: Jesus was dancing for joy for me! Because there is more joy in heaven for one sinner who is converted than for 99 righteous people who do not need to be saved!
On July 13, the second part of the seminar took place. I experienced the same thing as I had on July 11. I left Paray on July 14, very happy! I was certain that this time, I had not experienced a temporary respite but a full and complete liberation from my addiction to masturbation. It was then up to me, with the Lord’s help, to develop a daily commitment and to choose life.
On the evening of July 14, when I stepped onto the station platform, I stopped in front of two large posters announcing the release of a film called: “The first day of the rest of your life.”
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Going further:
Source: adapted from an article in “Il est vivant.”
