Addiction to porn, sign of pschological distress?

Addiction to pornography or to masturbating regularly, even if your partner seems to ignore it, has an effect on the trust within a relationship. Shame, breaking the rules, or sinning, the subject is taboo. How can we address it differently? How do we talk about it, in all simplicity?

A man admits to his friend that he’s addicted to porn. His friend replies directly: “Your combat is essentially a question of control. You like the control that pornography gets for you. You’d prefer to dive deep into this universe rather than run the risk of real intimacy.” Stupefied, the man recognised that it was true: “I wanted control over the way I experienced pleasure and I didn’t want to face the perspective of not having my needs satisfied by a real person.” (1)

Exercising your sexuality in a solitary way is totally paradoxical. Contradictory even in the terms we use, if we accept that sexuality is made for relationship. Each one of us has a deep need for intimacy with another. To be intimate with someone, is to live in close physical and emotional proximity with this person. We have a first experience of this intimacy in the relationship with our parents. When a lack of intimacy, or a displaced intimacy with them, or with one of them, affects the child, a distrust is planted in them. The child hardens their heart, in an effort to survive it. Later, this can make them become a “detached” adult, who finds it difficult to be intimate and incapable of talking about it, because it implies surrendering. An adult in this case can become narcissistic, not able of taking another person into account. The partner of someone like this is clearly bound to suffer.

Porn addiction, sign of psychological distress

Porn addiction, like sex addiction, is not in the first instance a moral problem, but a psychological problem, and sign of psychological stress. Moral convictions will not help a person in breaking out of it. Rather, they need to become aware of the reasons behind their addiction, by working on themselves, accompanied by someone who is competent.

And where is God in all this? More intimate than my own self. God can be a source of healing.

• Read also: Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

Therapy can also help you become aware of the causes behind these inappropriate sexual habits.

Sexual impulses and urges are the sign of a greater and deeper desire: that of being loved and of loving. In quenching this great and good thirst through solitary satisfaction we deprive ourselves of the inter-personal dimension of this desire, it deprives us of love. Break out of it! Get help!

So, how do we do it? Talk about it with your partner and/or talk to us using the chat’!

Going further:

• Is masturbation harmful?
• Joseph, ex-porn addict: “One day, I thought to myself: you’re not happy!”
• What are the consequences of porn on your health ?

 

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Notes

Extract of an article written by Sophie Lutz for ‘Famille chrétienne’, March 2013.

(1) Vers une sexualité réconciliée, by Andrew Comiskey, Éditions Raphaël.

Dos porn make it harder to meet people?

Porn doesn’t completely block an encounter with someone else, but it does lower the chances of a having a sincere exchange. Here, we’ll explain why.

• Porn is time-consuming

Porn use is aimed at producing the pleasure to satisfy urges which are more often than not the result of being unhappy, stressed, feeling undermined in your masculinity or femininity, an excessive fatigue, or not looking after your body.

Consuming porn like this, firstly creates a habit or reliance, and secondly an increasingly stronger need for it, because it functions on the same principal as using drugs. The time spent consuming porn is detrimental to other activities, which get pushed aside, mathematically limiting occasions for meeting and making friends, or entertaining the possibility for something more, if things go well.

• Risk of isolation and self-satisfaction

Addiction and individual pleasure, without the constraint of involving another person, can encourage us to be satisfied with the situation and not look to change. Taking the risk of meeting someone, then building a friendship or relationship with them, involves making certain adaptations to the other person. An attitude like this may be more difficult to adopt if we are used to a way of life where there is unrestrained pleasure, and as the consumer we select our merchandise, porn, in a unilateral way.

• Basing the relationship principally on its sexual potential

The habit of using porn, with its ‘drug’ effect, develops an increasingly greater need for it. This dependency will have an effect on the way you see the people you may meet, and what you expect from them. They’ll end up being judged and compared to model or porn actors you’ve seen and there’s the risk of prematurely breaking up relationships, and missing out on finding your lifetime partner, when porn is not at all a reference point for real life.

• What will your future partner think?

If you go on a date which launches into a relationship, what’ll your partner think? Will they be annoyed or disgusted with the comparison? And what if they accidently come across your porn consumption? If you don’t manage to get out of porn before meeting someone, the best option would be to talk to them about it, so they can help you on your journey. Contrary to the image given to us by society, which insists on presenting an idealised projection of yourself, sharing your wounds often strengthens the bond between two people because it’s a sign of trust and honesty.

And this combat, that you’ll face together, can give foundations to your couple, and bring something good out of something bad.

If you don’t have a partner to help you face this combat, come and talk on the live chat’, we’ll give you a shoulder to lean on in this fight:

Going further:

• Why do we need to educate ourselves about sexuality and Feelings?
• Porn: What’s the problem?
• François’s recovery from a 25-year porn addiction

We follow training and courses in so many different areas, but at school, sexuality is very often limited to its biological aspect, topped-up with a dose of civil education, and remains far from even a preliminary introduction to emotions and their role in it.

• Separating feelings from sexuality? A good idea?

By focussing only on the biological and pleasurable aspect of sexuality, we run the risk, in the first instance, of passing by something important, and secondly, emotionally hurting the people we meet. This means that what our body does, affects what’s on the inside, and vice versa. When we refer to the inside we mean the soul, for Christians, or more simply, the heart, feelings, spirit, psychology. It’s a case that no longer needs to be made, as doctors have now made a link between the unhappiness of a person and physical symptoms in the body.

• Set out in life without baggage

Not learning the rules of emotional bonding and sexuality is like setting off in life with baggage. It obliges us to learn things through experience, which carries its own risk of hurting people or getting hurt, getting caught in hidden traps, and suffering bad emotional surprises. All this in an increasingly egotistical world, which really doesn’t make the learning process easier.

• Choose your friends carefully

To deepen your understanding of sexuality and feelings involves choosing your companions on the road of life. This idea isn’t really spoken about very much anymore, but there are good and bad influences, especially when spending time close to people who are immature because they’re uninformed on these subjects. Without having at least an initial theoretical understanding, it’s hard to discern and differentiate between them.

• Sexuality to the detriment of emotions?

Lifestyles of today promote a form of unbridled sexuality. Look around you, it’s not clear this approach enables you to be emotionally fulfilled, what do you think? Being formed in the domain of your emotional life allows you to better nurture love, in the romantic sense, but also within friendships. It raises the chances of succeeding in this area, but of course we can never guarantee a 100% success rate when it involves human lives. Sexuality is not simply to enjoy, but it’s also to show the other person that we love them. Why show them you love them if you don’t love them, and you really just want pleasure instead? Is this situation completely clear for the other person, deep down?

• We’ve only got one life

With only one life on Earth, all the more reason to arm yourself to do things well. We invest so much in professional success, spending years studying for it, but what does it mean in terms of personal success? Better to put the right tools in your hand to achieve success in life, than learning from failure after years of marriage and children who’ll suffer the consequences. Of course, despite the failings of each of us in our lives, it always remains possible to turn, in prayer, to Jesus for help. But as we say; better prevention than a cure.

Talk to us about this article through the live chat’. Who knows, amongst the volunteers who are available, maybe you’ll come across the person who wrote it! They’re here for you, if you need help answering this question.

Going further:

• Managing your sexuality: how and why?
• Handle my urges? It’s impossible !
• Porn deconstructs sexuality and empties it from the inside

Managing your sexuality is a key element to living your emotional life to the full.

Every man and woman on this Earth has experienced the interior and intimate “force” called sexuality. A vital force which during certain moments of our life is incredibly powerful, like during adolescence, and at other times is weak, like during depression. Let’s learn a bit more about it.

Sexuality is not just sex!

Sexuality, as we might believe, is not linked exclusively to “sexual relations”, in and of themselves. It touches all that I am: body, mind, soul. Our sexuality expresses the beings that we are, in their masculinity and femininity. I’m not just a body that moves, I am a mind that thinks and reasons, and a spirit also, which animates and desires. Sexuality embraces each of these aspects.

Our body is not an object

The unity that exists between the spiritual and material components of the human person means that the way we manage our bodies has consequences on the spiritual part of us. If I « use » my body only as an instrument for pleasure, I will quickly see that in my soul there grows anxiety and a sense of emptiness. With time, I risk becoming a slave to my urges and will begin to live a sort of “schizophrenia”, a division within myself, between the emotional part and the sensory part. This will create a desert in me, and can even diminish my experience of pleasure.

Advice for managing your sexuality

We need to learn how to manage our sexuality, especially when our happiness is at stake. But how do we do this?

Firstly, in recognising the intimate connection between the interior and exterior expressions of myself; what I do with my body, can it hurt my mind?

Secondly, solitude and frustration are often things which encourage a “disordered” sexuality. We must train ourselves to build sincere and profound relationships with others.

Thirdly, by recognising the sacredness of our being, in respecting what I am, and what the other is.

Sexuality is a manifestation of love.

A well-managed sexuality fortifies our capacity to love, of respecting others, of giving value to each gesture expressing my masculine or feminine being. My sexuality will manifest itself through progressive steps; where every day I can learn to give myself to others and not ‘take advantage’ of them, or myself.

To learn how to manage your sexuality, you can turn towards specialists in the field, who will help you understand what true sexuality is and help you discover a new way of seeing your deepest nature.

Read also:

• How to channel your sexual desire with 7 decisions!
• Is porn true sexuality?

If you want to talk to us, we’re available via the chat!

Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me. Answer by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Therapist (*).

• Also read : My husband watches porn: is it my fault?

Question

I’m a 25 year old wife and mother. Recently my husband disclosed his porn addiction to me. He has been looking at porn since our engagement four years ago.  I’m completely broken by this discovery. I feel that our marriage is soiled, I feel inadequate as a wife and I feel so angry and pain beyond description.

He assures me that it has nothing to do with me and that I am beautiful and attractive to him. He says that he hates this addiction/compulsion and it’s broken him. While I believe him and forgive him I cannot understand how it has trapped him. How can something he hates pull him in?

I want to see what he’s been watching so I can accept it/understand it and move past it, my imagination constantly torments me. When we speak about it I see the pain its caused him, and that makes me angry too and i feel guilty for bringing it up. I feel so deceived thinking I was the only woman my husband has intimately been with. How can I move on?

Answer

The emotions you are feeling right now are quite normal and, believe it or not, healthy. What you are struggling with is Betrayal Trauma.

Most women when they discover their husband’s pornography addiction feel deeply hurt and betrayed. While pornography may be nothing more than images on a computer screen to men, they aren’t just images to their wives. Those images are other people!

For wives, this is as serious as an extramarital affair. It’s adultery.

Knowing her husband views porn also hurts a wife’s self-image. The women in porn are generally between the ages of 18 and 25. Most have had extensive plastic surgery and thanks to makeup and digital enhancements, these women don’t exist in real life. When a wife discovers what her husband is viewing, she thinks to herself, “How can I compete? He must think I’m ugly. I’ve lost my beauty and I am no longer desirable!” She feels rejected and replaced. This can be devastating for a woman. I believe that if all men really knew how much their pornography use would hurt their wives, no man would ever want to touch it!

Right now, it’s okay to feel hurt, angry and betrayed. You have the right to feel this way. However, you also need to work on healing and forgiveness. Your husband is correct in saying the pornography us is not about you, your beauty, or your adequacy as a wife.

To him you are beautiful and he would never want to replace you for the women in porn. He realizes how the addiction has enslaved him and how it has hurt you and your marriage. Naturally he hates pornography, and that he has become addicted to it. It sounds like he is truly sorry for how he has hurt you. It also sounds like he sincerely wants to overcome the addiction and restore your marriage.

The reasons

There are many reasons why men become addicted to pornography:

First, men are wired to be visually stimulated. When they encounter an erotic image, they automatically look! This sets in motion a series of neurochemical reactions that produce a “high” feeling. This, accompanied by orgasm, can lead a man back to it over and over again. The body then becomes dependent on this neurochemical/orgasm reaction.

There are also psychological and social reasons why men become addicted to porn. Many men grow up in a world where pornography and exploiting women is accepted. This makes it easy to use porn. They may also use porn to self-medicate deep emotional wounds. Thus the porn use is really the symptom of deeper emotional conflicts. Moving on from here means seeking help for healing and recovery. I recommend contacting a licensed Catholic therapist who is certified in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Your husband needs to be in a
comprehensive recovery program to overcome his addiction.

You may need counseling to help you recover from the betrayal trauma. Both of you will also need marital counseling to restore your marriage. While this may seem overwhelming, the process is very gentle. It’s all about healing and restoration – becoming the individuals and couples God created you to be!

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?
• What does pornography do to marriages? 

 

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(*) Dr. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in West Conshohocken, PA. Dr. Kleponis has over 17 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, men’s issues, and pornography addiction recovery. Dr. Kleponis is creator of the Integrity Restored Recovery Program for pornography addiction and cofounder of the Integrity Restored Network. He is author of the book, The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach. Through his Fighting Porn in Our Culture…and Winning! conference Dr. Kleponis travels internationally speaking about the pornography epidemic, how to protect families, and how to help those who struggle with addiction. His website is www.IntegrityRestored.com.

Gwenaëlle was freed from pornography and gives us her testimony and her story. Between life and death, the choice was liberating.

Her story

She was first exposed to pornographic images and videos at the age of 12, when she was doing research online. By mistyping a name, she found herself in front of images and photos of an actress. Her babysitter was with her and encouraged her to look at these photos, also viewing them with Gwenaëlle.

From that moment on, Gwenaëlle was hooked, addicted to looking at those images every day. From childhood, this disrupted her entire development and affected her identity as to how she saw herself or even how she saw others.

Women, men, the male/female relationship, everything was distorted. The change in her life would come when she met Jesus. By his grace, Jesus would make her realize that watching these images and videos was destroying everything in her, that it was not good for her.

The addiction was so deeply ingrained that Gwenaëlle found it normal; it was “attached to her.” Jesus brought it all into the light and she realized that pornography was destroying her life.

Quitting was complicated. After several attempts, she continued to fall back into it. At 18, through bad company and bad choices, she found herself faced with a choice: continue with the bad company that would lead to death or choose life with Jesus.

Choosing to die or to live

Through this choice she had to make, Jesus drew her to himself through his word, the Bible. Gwenaëlle began to read it with eagerness and passion; she thus discovered who God is, who her God really is. “He who loved not sin but sent his son to deliver us from sin.”

One afternoon, while still addicted, she was on YouTube and a picture she came across made her want to watch porn. Gwenaëlle then felt moved by the Holy Spirit and with all her strength she shouted “NO!” At that moment, she felt that she had been delivered; she felt something leave, something that affected her body and her heart.

“I want to follow Him who is powerful and who saved me from these seven years of misery!”

After this episode, she decided to follow Jesus and, despite the difficulties, she stands firm in Him.

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis
• François’s recovery from a 25-year porn addiction.
• How to stop watching porn: 10 techniques

“How and why, I stopped masturbating”

Noemie tells of her combat: masturbation. She talks about her battle and how she managed to get over it.

Noemie is a young woman who decided to give her life to Jesus in 2015.

When she was 19yrs old, she was delivered from masturbation. Three years later she gives her testimony about this addiction.

She explains to us how things are different between when she didn’t have faith, to when she became a believer.

Her story

Being born into a hyper-sexualised society, she started masturbating at 7 yrs old. She didn’t know her body yet, she didn’t know it had a sexual dimension, she was discovering her body.

It became a daily routine. She explains that it was linked to a particular place; this can be different depending on different people.

After meeting Jesus, she understood it was masturbation and also realised it had become an addiction; she felt compelled to do it and was disturbed by this.

After her conversion

She tried to stop masturbating, and felt good about this decision, because she didn’t feel pure in the eyes of God. She wanted to stop but found it really hard to.

Noemie made the decision to fast from it, she lasted one month before falling again. She continued pouring effort into it.

She realised the Devil was playing a lot with her thoughts and dreams. All this was the opposite of what she wanted to be.

Every time she masturbated, she understood she was opening a door to the Devil. She felt ashamed and guilty and asked herself how could God love someone who wasn’t able to stop doing this.

The turning point

One day, she was praying when she received the image of a giant, all in black, in her bathroom, with the word “fornication” written on it. She thought to herself it had gone far enough and it had to stop. Despite all her willingness, she just couldn’t stop.

Bravery

She went to see the wife of the pastor in her community and explained it to her. This woman prayed for her and with her. Noemie prayed and exercised authority over the bad spirits.

“In the name of Jesus, I cast you out”

In this way, Noemie was delivered from her burden, she never fell again. She was tempted many times, but every time she prayed, so as not to fall.

If you are in a situation like Noemie’s, and you would like us to pray with you and for you, don’t hesitate to talk to us via the chat (free and anonymous) :

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis
• François’s recovery from a 25-year porn addiction.
• What’s wrong with masturbation?