“How and why, I stopped masturbating”

Noemie tells of her combat: masturbation. She talks about her battle and how she managed to get over it.

Noemie is a young woman who decided to give her life to Jesus in 2015.

When she was 19yrs old, she was delivered from masturbation. Three years later she gives her testimony about this addiction.

She explains to us how things are different between when she didn’t have faith, to when she became a believer.

Her story

Being born into a hyper-sexualised society, she started masturbating at 7 yrs old. She didn’t know her body yet, she didn’t know it had a sexual dimension, she was discovering her body.

It became a daily routine. She explains that it was linked to a particular place; this can be different depending on different people.

After meeting Jesus, she understood it was masturbation and also realised it had become an addiction; she felt compelled to do it and was disturbed by this.

After her conversion

She tried to stop masturbating, and felt good about this decision, because she didn’t feel pure in the eyes of God. She wanted to stop but found it really hard to.

Noemie made the decision to fast from it, she lasted one month before falling again. She continued pouring effort into it.

She realised the Devil was playing a lot with her thoughts and dreams. All this was the opposite of what she wanted to be.

Every time she masturbated, she understood she was opening a door to the Devil. She felt ashamed and guilty and asked herself how could God love someone who wasn’t able to stop doing this.

The turning point

One day, she was praying when she received the image of a giant, all in black, in her bathroom, with the word “fornication” written on it. She thought to herself it had gone far enough and it had to stop. Despite all her willingness, she just couldn’t stop.

Bravery

She went to see the wife of the pastor in her community and explained it to her. This woman prayed for her and with her. Noemie prayed and exercised authority over the bad spirits.

“In the name of Jesus, I cast you out”

In this way, Noemie was delivered from her burden, she never fell again. She was tempted many times, but every time she prayed, so as not to fall.

If you are in a situation like Noemie’s, and you would like us to pray with you and for you, don’t hesitate to talk to us via the chat (free and anonymous) :

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis
• François’s recovery from a 25-year porn addiction.
• What’s wrong with masturbation?

Impossible ? No, difficult probably !

That’s why you clicked on this article. It depends on each person, their life path and their physical, moral and spiritual capacities. So there is no need to compare yourself to others, you are unique, and you don’t see other people when they are alone at home facing their urges.

The athlete model

As in many other areas, in order to handle your urges, you need to keep in mind the athlete’s step-by-step approach. If you want to control your urges all at once, you risk to fail and become discouraged, just as if you sign up for the Olympic Games even though you don’t do any sport.

It is easy to admit that for a physical practice, you must start with a regular training adapted to your physical condition, completed with a healthy diet, then you join a local club, and then you register and qualifie for departmental, regional, national, and finally international competitions… or not! Not everyone reaches the podium of the highest competition, in fact there are only three places per competition.

To handle your urges, it’s the same, it’s a path of progression, and you don’t know at the beginning, what level you will reach.

Use your urges rather than trying to hold them back

Fighting against urges can quickly become exhausting. Especially since today’s society, with its films, advertisements and clothing fashions, etc., over-stimulates our desires and our sexuality, and this is no small thing. We must be aware of this situation in order to manage it as well as possible, to anticipate it and also to relieve ourselves of some of sexual urges that run through us and seem to be out of control, which the world tries to exacerbate in us.

Accepting setbacks to continue to progress

Wanting to be perfect, is the risk of being proud, pretentious, or too scrupulous, and above all failing, and then being in a paralyzing guilt. This is why God asks for repentance and humility, not guilt. Our failures help us to remain humble. Jesus did not experience sin, but on the way to the cross, the trial being difficult, he fell three times, got up and kept going. We should try to follow his example.

A supernatural boost

Christians offer solutions such as prayer and the sacraments as confession to help us evolve and remain in control of our instincts and urges, unlike animals who remain submissive because they have no free will or soul. To learn more, start a dialogue with one of our volunteers using the live chat. We are waiting for you!

We often hear that masturbation is good for the human body, but certain people say it’s harmful, so what’s the truth?

Reconditioned stimulus

Despite what numerous contemporary sexologists are saying, everything points to masturbation being detrimental for men, just as for women, and now it’s even been proven scientifically. If you’ve ever followed a psychology lesson, you’ll probably have heard of Pavlov’s dog. The doctor rang a bell every time he was getting ready to feed his dog. By doing this, he made his dog associate the bell with food, and the animal would start producing saliva just by hearing it ring. This is what we call a conditioned stimulus.

The human mind can be moulded in the same way. In fact, the pleasure centre is the easiest part of the brain to train. In anatomy, this is called the “medial preoptic area (MPA)”; and when the body feels a surge of pleasure, such as during any erotic activity, this zone is stimulated.

According to the research of Dr Douglas Weiss, when a person is sexually excited, the brain releases endorphins which cause the MPA to associate its happiness with whatever it’s doing, seeing, smelling, etc. at that very moment. Unconsciously, a link is made between an image, a perfume, or a particular individual, and the feeling of sexual satisfaction. (It’s one of the reasons pornography magazines contain perfume testers).

During climax, this link is strengthened even more by the release of the neuropeptide hormone, Oxytocin. This is also responsible for creating an attachment between lovers, when they act on their feelings. If a person is alone, it also creates a mental bond, but this time with a fantasy being. However, this process of getting closer to someone can be damaged by occasional erotic stimulation.

This scientific discovery throws new light on Paul’s words: “Do you not know that whoever is united to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For it is said, “The two shall be one flesh.” But anyone united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself” (1 Cor 6:16-18).

Stimulation and delusions caused by masturbation

When a person experiences pleasure by masturbation and lusting over an imaginary person, their brain becomes accustomed to being stimulated by fantasies born from their own mind. If their mind identifies these mental images as the source of its enjoyment, it’ll of course end up distancing the person from their spouse(x). But where will it take them? A partner is not a dreamed-up image with which you can play, but a real human being with their own personality, their own feelings and emotions, etc.

However, instead of experiencing pleasure with some who’s real, in a marriage bed, the individual in the habit of masturbating can be driven to find arousal in his thoughts/illusions, even when they’re trying to make love with their partner. Sometimes, men and women can be projected into something more than their imagination. This can lead them into adultery, to visit strip clubs, watch pornography, or establish a disordered lust for people in an attempt to satisfy their desires. Sometimes, a masturbation habit can carry on into a marriage, as it attempts to answer these “needs”.

Condemned to a dysfunctional marriage?

Now, this doesn’t mean that if you’ve experienced pleasure before, with someone other than your husband or wife, then you’re condemned to a dysfunctional marriage. However, it does mean you’ll have obstacles to get over which others, who haven’t experienced such things, can ignore. The brain can be re-educated, but it’ll take time, proportionate to the depth at which your lust is rooted.

Simply speaking, this all demonstrates how God’s plan for our sexuality is, in fact, engraved into our anatomy. When people decide to live according to God’s truths, their body naturally associates sexual joy with their spouse and not with anything or anyone else. God designed our bodies to be anchored into a couple, where spouses are physiologically attracted to each other. Their minds were programmed to be this way and their marriage reinforces it.

As the Bible says: “Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for sharing with strangers. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. May her breasts satisfy you at all times; may you be intoxicated always by her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, by another woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress? For human ways are under the eyes of the Lord, and he examines all their paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare them, and they are caught in the toils of their sin. They die for lack of discipline, and because of their great folly they are lost.” (Prov. 5:15–23)

We are available to talk with you and/or pray with you via the chat (anonymous and free):

Going further:

• “How and why, I stopped masturbating”
• Masturbation, what’s the problem?
• Hom to stop masturbating ? 8 ways to break out of it !

What’s wrong with masturbation?

Masturbation, is it bad? What’s wrong with doing it?

Isn’t it getting rid of temptations without dragging anyone else into sin?

Masturbation doesn’t “get rid of” temptations, any more than prostitution does. Both provide a temporary satisfaction of sexual desires; but our objective as Christians is not simply to eliminate lust, but to glorify God with our bodies.

The idea that masturbation can be used to decrease sensuality, is like saying a few drops of water can put out a housefire. On the contrary, masturbation incites lewd thoughts and drives a person to imagine they have the right – and the need – to satisfy them as soon as the desire arises.

Stop trivialising of your sexual needs

In order to understand why masturbation is bad, we have to take a step back and stop trivialising our sexual “needs”. It seems to be admissible in this day and age, and across the whole world, to satisfy every tiny desire we may have, instead of coming back to the original plan thought out by God.

Sexuality is meant to be a gift between husband and wife, helping to unify them and to give them children. When it’s taken out of this context, the gift is lost, and when it concerns masturbation, it ceases entirely to be a gift. The aim of eroticism is warped, because the centre of the sexual act becomes “me” and not “us”; and the person is practically driven to turning only towards themselves. The gift of sexuality is misused as a drab relaxation method, self-centred and void of life.

When people abuse their sexuality in this way, they may start trying to use it as a way to better their mood, relax, or to forget their loneliness. Masturbation becomes an escape route. It can ease things, but it’ll never fully satisfy them. They use the fantasies of the mind and pleasures of the body to run away from reality and its invitation to love. The objective of sexual activity has been reduced to simply receiving sexual pleasure, and is no longer an invitation to give ourselves in love. If men and women get used to using their lust in this way, why would it change suddenly once they’re married?

The husband or wife will simply continue, using their partner as a substitute for relieving their fantasies. The problem is that lust is exercised at the expense of the other, and so won’t be healed inside you.

Moreover, if the person is in the habit of using sex as a means to manage their stress, they may well continue turning towards all sorts of perversions (pornography, masturbation, infidelity, etc.) as remedies for the restraints associated with marriage. Instead of searching for a solution to their unhappiness, they stop at finding comfort in physical enjoyment.

So, marriage won’t liberate me from masturbation?

Getting married won’t resolve the problem because masturbation triggers disordered urges. The true joys of marriage – although being far superior – cannot satisfy perverted and twisted practices. Often, the person involved will more or less try and continue resisting the urge to masturbate by themselves, despite the sorrow and distress of their partner and to the detriment of their marriage.

Someone who finds it hard keeping their purity intact when they’re alone, will find it hard to stay pure with another. If they can’t master themselves, they’ll be incapable of giving themselves to their partner as they should, when the time comes. You can’t give what you don’t have. So, if you cannot control yourself, you cannot truly give yourself to another. And where there is no self-gift, there’s no love. Therefore, if you want to be able to truly love your partner, you must learn how to dominate your own self.

Even if this addiction seems impossible to get over, we know it’s possible! If you are finding it hard to stop masturbating, we are here to pray for you and with you. Don’t hesitate in talking to us via the chat, it’s anonymous and free:

Going further:

• “How and why, I stopped masturbating”
• Hom to stop masturbating? 8 ways to break out of it!
• Edgar’s testimony: “what if marriage could resolve my problem?”

Edgar’s testimony: “what if marriage could resolve my problem?”

Here is Edgar’s testimony, liberated from pornography and masturbation thanks to the french therapy Coeur Hackeur.

Edgar, 33yrs old, was accompanied by Tanguy for 5 months. He was addicted to masturbating and to pornography, and had been so since his adolescence.

How it began

During adolescence, masturbation became a ritual for him: like all addictions, Edgar needed his ‘dose’ in order to go to sleep, release frustrations, or even reward himself after a great day. He’d managed to convince himself that he wasn’t hurting anyone, and this made him carry on. He’d established a routine: picking up a magazine or book containing erotic images, he ran them over and over again in his mind. This fuelled his quest for “always more”.

Back then, he didn’t take what adults said seriously, when they would remind him of the importance of self-control, even in situations when it seemed hard. It seemed impossible to him, old-fashioned and above all, groundless. He wasn’t the only one to think like this; his friends agreed with him too.

Like a drug

Edgar had easy access to the internet. Because of this, things accelerated. He went quickly from simple pictures of lingerie, to photos, then to pornographic videos. He had the perfect technique: he would memorise the website addresses, and delete the last few hours of internet history, so as not to leave any trace. He admits it himself: “I was behaving like a drug addict”. He would hide, stuck in his endless search, and worse than this, he was in total denial of his addiction.

During that period, he found it hard to have serious relationships, understanding only later, what the reason behind it was: casual flings had become enough for him, sexually speaking.

Growing older, Edgar joined the Marines. During one particular mission lasting several months, he was living in close proximity with others, and so he wasn’t able to masturbate in his bed or in the communal showers. To his misfortune, one night, he had a “wet dream”, and this made him feel incredibly embarrassed.

From that moment on, he shut himself up in the belief it was better to ‘discharge himself’, and avoid having this kind of accident again. Contrary to the practise of his Marine comrades, Edgar refused to pay for prostitutes. In his view, it was like bargaining love. He even refused to see a prostitute paid for by another Marine, who was putting him under pressure and trying to force him to be like the others. He managed to get hold of pornographic videos on his hard drive and so continued to pleasure himself alone, in front of these images, convincing himself it was normal.

An addiction Incompatible with couple life

At the age of 28yrs, Edgar kept the hope alive of having a serious and stable relationship. He realised that compulsive masturbation and pornography use were incompatible with couple life and a fulfilling sexual life. This is where his motivation for stopping came from; for the good of a future relationship. He thought he would be able to just stop using it, like it was cigarettes. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t work out and the girl he was with, left him.

A single man once more, Edgar picked up his old habits, thinking he would solve the problem when he was married. His pornography consumption was more and more orientated towards increasingly trash images, even more violent and sickening than before. He was suffering deeply; he felt dirty and alone. He believe it would be totally impossible to stop.

Understanding the need to get help

One day, he met the woman of his dreams, a young lady, still a virgin, who’d stopped masturbating completely during adolescence. Virginity and self-control: two things in which he no longer believed! Yet, here she was, living-proof it was possible, and she gave him hope.

His partner orientated him towards Tanguy. He refused initially, out of pride, but after continuous relapses, and discussions with his girlfriend, he understood the double necessity of stopping before they got married, and of needing help to stop.

Tanguy suggested really concrete measures which would secure his environment and his daily schedule, and avoid slip ups. He helped him reflect on and find good reasons for no longer escaping into compulsive behaviours. Edgar realised that ‘wet dreams’ were actually normal and how his fiancé preferred that, to him searching for secretive and out of control, solitary pleasure. He learnt how to bounce back after a relapse and to leave his isolation behind. He finally understood that in thinking he wasn’t hurting anyone, he was in fact hurting himself the first.

Today he is married and delivered from this addiction. He still experiences difficulties from time to time, but he no longer feels permanently a slave to compulsive behaviours. Obviously, he must remain vigilant for the rest of his life, to avoid falling into the traps society tends to put out for us everywhere (adverts, Internet, etc.). But he has accepted this and in his view, it’s well worth it!

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• What does pornography do to marriages? 
• Interview with Tanguy, coach and therapist

Will marriage resolve my pornography addiction?

Is marriage compatible with pornography addiction?

Have you ever asked yourself this question? 

You have a girlfriend (boyfriend) and it’s getting serious; you’ve decided you’re going to marry them, both of you have said “yes”! It’s planned to take place this year. In the picture you’re painting, all is well, the colours are well-chosen, the characters are in the right place, but there’s a problem with the shadowy areas.

First of all, there is a question you must ask yourself: Do you really want to break this addiction or do you think this is more a way of creating of a loophole?

In fact, underneath it all, you might say to yourself pornography will be helpful for your relationship. In times of boredom or fatigue, you can look at pictures to pass the time, find pleasure, introduce fantasy or break the routine of the sexual life of your couple.

However, I really don’t think this is going to help you. Pornography addiction is questionable as a wedding present. And above anything else, it’s not likely to improve your addiction but will introduce new hesitations and doubts into the heart of your relationship.

You and your ‘plus 1’ will surely bring different personal histories to your relationship, which play a role in the rapport with your sexuality. Pornography presents us with a vision of sexuality that makes use of the other’s body for our own pleasure first, with their pleasure secondary.

What are the dangers associated with this addiction?

You’ve seen an enormous number of images or behaviours, when watching films or looking at pictures. Pornography has changed your relationship with reality, by making you journey through a universe of illusions. Naturally, this brings you to think about reproducing the gestures you’ve seen, but they don’t in fact correspond with the situations within your marriage. These acts, carried out under the influence of the images you’ve seen, won’t be inspired by your desire to delight the other.

In marriage, there’s a whole other relationship at play. It’s the total gift to give. Love, fidelity and honesty are expressed in the language of the body.

The point of marital union isn’t firstly pleasure, but rather an intimate union with the other.

The best wedding present you can give to your plus 1 and yourself, is to get help. This addiction is serious, and trying to break out of it by yourself is too complex.

So at this question, “Will marriage resolve my pornography addiction?”, the answer is no.

How do you do it?

You’ll need to be accompanied by a specialist or ask for help. However, be very careful not to treat your partner as a therapist.

We can help you, and suggest you entrust this important step to Carlo Acutis. Don’t hesitate to talk to us via the chat (free and anonymous).

Going further:

• Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me.
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?
• What’s wrong with masturbation ?

How do I break the habit of masturbation ? This is a question we only ask when we find ourselves in this situation. Here is some concrete advice, whether you are a Christian or not.

Prayer, patience and perseverance. As soon as you start fighting this battle, know that God rejoices in your desire for holiness and his grace is working in your life: “I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work among you will bring it to completion by the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6).

Come to him in prayer and ask him regularly for the gift of purity to specifically get over this addiction. You can also ask us for the prayer of deliverance through the intercession of Carlo Acutis via the live chat’:

The first and best prayer you can offer is that of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. There is enough grace in the Eucharist to make you a saint. Draw from this fountain of virtue! Then, spend more time in personal prayer and talk openly with Jesus about your difficulties. Also pray a Hail Mary three times a day for chastity of spirit, body and heart; go often to the Sacrament of Reconciliation; read the Scriptures; pray the Rosary; follow the Stations of the Cross; and develop a devotion to Saint Joseph. This will establish a truly great arsenal of weapons for fighting against any sin.

When confessing that we masturbate, it’s understandable that numerous people feel too awkward to talk about it. But know this, there is no sin that priests haven’t already heard. It’s not like you’ve discovered and broken an eleventh commandment! Whether you’re a man or a woman, you are not the only one to be in combat with this vice.

If you end up confessing the same thing regularly, don’t hesitate to do so! The Devil will try to discourage you by saying: “Well, well, you’re back in the confessional with the same sin everytime. Why not just abandon it all? You’re never going to win anyway. You’re fighting a losing battle.”

Realise that detrimental thoughts like this are temptations from the Devil, and turn yourself to prayer immediately. Remember, in order to heal, the patient has to show his wounds to the doctor. The confessional is like a medicine cabinet: through the intermediary of the priest, Christ is the doctor, and so it’s the last place the Devil wants to see you go to. You are on the winning team and the Lord won’t let anyone tear you out of his hands. You can’t do it alone, but with the grace of Christ you can do anything: “I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13).

Of course, if you’re in possession of pornographic material, nude posters or obscene music, get rid of it straight away. In the name of true love, protect yourself against contamination. Replace it all with Christian music, and put pictures of the saints in your bedroom and especially in the places where you habitually fall into sin. If you’re in the habit of watching lots of television, find something else to do, like gymnastics… this will help relax the tensions in your body and make it easier to control it. Television is just laziness filled with temptations which ignite the fires of lust. St. Robert Bellarmin warns us: “Flee idleness, because no one is more exposed to temptation than him who has nothing to do.”

To help yourself grow in self-control, fix yourself objectives which are achievable. For example, make a commitment to not masturbating for three days, one week, one month or whatever length of time you feel is reasonable. Once you’ve managed it, you’ll have more confidence in the ability to control your body. Then, without falling, lengthen the time and abstain for longer. Continue like this until the vice is overcome.

During this trying time, make other little sacrifices. For example, put less salt on your chips, or knock off a few minutes from your mealtimes. These little sacrifices will help you to better control yourself, meaning you’ll grow in self-mastery. After all, we are only slaves to what governs us. It’s the same difference between a jockey who doesn’t have control over his horse, and is left to wildly gallop across parks and gardens, and a jockey who is in control, who can stop his horse on demand and win races. You’ll become a person who is truly alive.

This kind of self-control is difficult, but with the grace of God, anything is possible. If you ask for purity, you will not be left wanting, not even one grace. Be patient with yourself, and don’t let yourself be discouraged. According to Gospel of St. Luke, “By your endurance you will gain your souls” (Luke 21:19). The prize of real love is waiting for those who are truly free, because they are the only ones capable of giving and receiving.

Lastly, it’s useful to identify the factors which contribute to your masturbation habit. Often, we think it’s simply lust, when there are often other causes (like stress, loneliness, boredom, etc.)

We are available to talk and pray with you, talk to us via the chat (anonymous and free).

If you too want to break your masturbation habit, know that God is with you in this combat!

Going further:

• “How and why, I stopped masturbating”
• Masturbation, what’s the problem?
• What’s your view on mutual masturbation?

How to channel sexual desire: 7 decisions to make

Nicolas* explains how he took 7 decisions, to put things in place in his life, and to channel his sexual desire.

Don’t deny your sexual desire, but channel it into a life project you have.

“Sexual desire can sometimes be extremely invasive, especially in a deeply erotised society, where it’s continuously being triggered by images (adverts, film scenes, etc.) For us men, it is not always easy to stay chaste!

Here are 7 decisions which helped me to live chastity, as a single-person:

1. Recognise and fully accept my desire, and the sexual impulses that reside in me.

It’s a beautiful energy, a force, which is given to us as a man or a woman to move forward, to get us engaged. Don’t deny it’s presence, but channel it, reorientating it towards a life project.

2. Use my reason to make an interior step

To understand what sexual fulfilment is. What are my dreams? To be able to give myself fully to the one I love, or pass from one sexual encounter to the next? What do I imagine my future wife to be like? To have slept with a lot of different men? Why then shouldn’t I reserve myself for her?

3. Imagine myself after my urges:

If I’m tempted to watch porn, masturbate or have a ‘one night stand’: imagine myself after having succumbed to my impulses: How would I be feeling?

A deep joy, an interior peace? Or sadness, deception, anger, loss of self-confidence?

4. Avoid idleness

The ideal conditions for impurity! Take up projects, join a charity, give myself for others… stop being centred on myself.

5. Sport

Evacuate natural bodily tension. Temptations are much fewer!

6. “Know yourself”

Don’t trigger the temptation spiral, it’s sure to get the better of me and take me always further than I want!

Avoid situations where I know I’ll lose control and in doing so, my liberty. For example: Drinking too much one evening could encourage a flirting game, which could quickly turn into heading off to her place or mine. Starting with little erotic video clips will lead into searching for pornography. The first click often leads me down that slippery slope!

7. Prayer

Ask Jesus for his strength, and receive regularly the sacraments of Confession and the Eucharist. Confession is a really concrete way of picking yourself up again and moving forward. When we recognise our mistakes, Christ meets us, forgives us and sets us free.

“And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.’” (John 8:11)

What do you do to channel your sexual desire? Not getting anywhere, got questions? We’re here for you via the chat (free and anonymous):Going further:

• How to rediscover your unity and freedom in 10 steps?
• Why do i keep falling, in spite of all the efforts i make?
• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

 

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Notes

(*) Source text: He is Alive! – July/August/September 2021 – N°352.

What is Chastity?

We might sometimes ask whether “chastity” is a term still in use, or a virtue which is less and less present today… But we should understand it’s meaning and how it can be beautiful to experience.

Does it still exist?

If you asked a young person of today what the virtue of chastity is, they would look at you, almost confusedly, asking what it is you’re talking about. Some might reply it’s “something” we don’t do anymore, from the Middle Ages. Chastity may be seen as a mortification practice, to humiliate; a sort of “castration” of the person. This conviction seems to only get stronger when we look at the Christian tradition where monks and nuns take a “vow of chastity”, never marrying and locking themselves into a monastery or convent. And so, today, if we mention chastity, it’s almost always in a negative or outdated context.

Deprivation or liberation?

When talking about chastity, the real problem is we believe that those who live it have to renounce carnal pleasures, without knowing why, depriving themselves of a human joy.

It’s true, pleasure is not something negative in itself and it’s not considered so by those who experience it. Sexual experiences, at increasingly younger ages and more widely spread among the youth, testify to the search of a pleasure without limits. We are “free” when we can live our sexuality without constraint or cultural limitations. However, living like this doesn’t seem to make us any freer; a sexuality left to its own devices, provokes addiction, frustration, wounds and a feeling of being empty in our hearts.

Giving, is really gaining

Chastity is the path on which I will learn to love the other. Egoism defines itself in possessing, provoking pleasure for itself; love is founded on the gift of self which elates the other’s heart. Living chastely is choosing to respect the other, their existence, their body, their being and welcoming all that they are, in a profound mystery which exceeds us. True joy is when I am able to make another feel they are a special and unique being; it’s in valorising gestures like holding hands or caressing. The trivialisation of sexuality dries out relationships, destroying them and taking away the beauty of being together, damaging trust and tenderness.

Object or person?

The television tells us of an ever-increasing violence towards women. This is due to an objectification of the person, which gives us the impression we’re allowed to use the other, to do what we want with them, and how we want it. This means the other feels ‘abused’, ‘robbed’, ‘violated’ in their body and their being; even if, underneath it all there may be sincere feelings of affection or attraction. Indeed, it’s not enough to feel something for someone, to then be able to give ourselves entirely to them.

In love, there’s no rush!

To avoid becoming dry instruments of pleasure, here’s the key word: patience! I know, especially for young people, it’s a synonym for torture, but waiting for important steps and key moments, when it comes to love, is essential for a romantic or friendly relationship to be constructed and endure in the long term. Love, in its deep and intimate reality, cannot be experienced immediately. Time has to be given to get to know the other, to understand their feelings and whether they’re real, and their way of thinking, their character, their expectations and desires. The fruit of love can only be picked when it’s ripe, at that point it’ll be sweet and a source of happiness.

What do you think? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• Is masturbation harmful?
• Managing your sexuality: how and why?
• Why do we need to educate ourselves about sexuality and Feelings?

Does masturbation make you deaf?

In previous generations, they tended to scaremonger rather than explain. A knock-on effect of this is, those who encourage masturbation today, try to guilt trip those who want to control their bodies, making it seem out-dated. The whole thing is a minefield.

Every other day we come across articles aiming to get rid of old-fashioned fears concerning masturbation. Explaining how experiencing pleasure alone is the best way to know your body and the best way of preparing for and accomplishing a satisfying sexual relationship. It even promises to enhance sexual maturity as a teenager.

Under the guidance of self-proclaimed professionals, and using arguments which are far less scientific, a new sense of what’s “moral” gets sketched out. Those for whom masturbation is a turning in on yourself, something which cannot make you happy, are now seen as neurotic and afraid of the body, retrogressive because they still believe masturbation is bad for your health, and puritan because they see sin where an innocent and beneficial pleasure is being satisfied. Isn’t pleasure the same thing whether or not we get it from ourselves or from someone else? Isn’t life stressful enough already without denying ourselves the relaxation of this simple pleasure? What’s wrong with making use of what nature, if not God, so generously offers us? What is this sad morality which walks away from joy? One of the zero-risk pleasures in life, and the Church forbids it. They’re doing it deliberately right? It’s masochistic.

True sexuality…?

Do these arguments manage to make you feel guilty and ashamed of your seemingly obscure principles and beliefs? Because the very people who criticise Christian morality (which is in fact natural morality) of guilt tripping people, turn it around and instil feelings of guilt and fear in those who don’t agree with them. Asking questions like, are you really a balanced person if you control your body so strictly? Are you normal? Are you capable of having a fulfilling sex life?

If you think sexuality is not just the simple functioning of organs like any other bodily organs, you must be Catholic because the Church is the only one left encouraging a sexual morality which is not only to do with bodily health. You’re sensible enough to see that yes, masturbation makes us deaf. Promoters of masturbation can’t hear the simple truth that sex is not made to used as a way to isolate ourselves, but is made for loving communion. And you’re logical in recognising with humility that where your body has gotten the better of you, the mercy of God will save you from all guilt and fear.

So, does masturbation make us deaf? Yes, at least those who promote it!

And you, what do you think? Come and talk to us via the chat’!

Going further:

• What’s wrong with masturbation?
• How does porn effect society?
• What does pornography do to women?

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Source: extract from an article by Sophie Lutz for ‘Famille chrétienne’, in 2013.