Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me. Answer by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Therapist (*).

• Also read : My husband watches porn: is it my fault?

Question

I’m a 25 year old wife and mother. Recently my husband disclosed his porn addiction to me. He has been looking at porn since our engagement four years ago.  I’m completely broken by this discovery. I feel that our marriage is soiled, I feel inadequate as a wife and I feel so angry and pain beyond description.

He assures me that it has nothing to do with me and that I am beautiful and attractive to him. He says that he hates this addiction/compulsion and it’s broken him. While I believe him and forgive him I cannot understand how it has trapped him. How can something he hates pull him in?

I want to see what he’s been watching so I can accept it/understand it and move past it, my imagination constantly torments me. When we speak about it I see the pain its caused him, and that makes me angry too and i feel guilty for bringing it up. I feel so deceived thinking I was the only woman my husband has intimately been with. How can I move on?

Answer

The emotions you are feeling right now are quite normal and, believe it or not, healthy. What you are struggling with is Betrayal Trauma.

Most women when they discover their husband’s pornography addiction feel deeply hurt and betrayed. While pornography may be nothing more than images on a computer screen to men, they aren’t just images to their wives. Those images are other people!

For wives, this is as serious as an extramarital affair. It’s adultery.

Knowing her husband views porn also hurts a wife’s self-image. The women in porn are generally between the ages of 18 and 25. Most have had extensive plastic surgery and thanks to makeup and digital enhancements, these women don’t exist in real life. When a wife discovers what her husband is viewing, she thinks to herself, “How can I compete? He must think I’m ugly. I’ve lost my beauty and I am no longer desirable!” She feels rejected and replaced. This can be devastating for a woman. I believe that if all men really knew how much their pornography use would hurt their wives, no man would ever want to touch it!

Right now, it’s okay to feel hurt, angry and betrayed. You have the right to feel this way. However, you also need to work on healing and forgiveness. Your husband is correct in saying the pornography us is not about you, your beauty, or your adequacy as a wife.

To him you are beautiful and he would never want to replace you for the women in porn. He realizes how the addiction has enslaved him and how it has hurt you and your marriage. Naturally he hates pornography, and that he has become addicted to it. It sounds like he is truly sorry for how he has hurt you. It also sounds like he sincerely wants to overcome the addiction and restore your marriage.

The reasons

There are many reasons why men become addicted to pornography:

First, men are wired to be visually stimulated. When they encounter an erotic image, they automatically look! This sets in motion a series of neurochemical reactions that produce a “high” feeling. This, accompanied by orgasm, can lead a man back to it over and over again. The body then becomes dependent on this neurochemical/orgasm reaction.

There are also psychological and social reasons why men become addicted to porn. Many men grow up in a world where pornography and exploiting women is accepted. This makes it easy to use porn. They may also use porn to self-medicate deep emotional wounds. Thus the porn use is really the symptom of deeper emotional conflicts. Moving on from here means seeking help for healing and recovery. I recommend contacting a licensed Catholic therapist who is certified in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Your husband needs to be in a
comprehensive recovery program to overcome his addiction.

You may need counseling to help you recover from the betrayal trauma. Both of you will also need marital counseling to restore your marriage. While this may seem overwhelming, the process is very gentle. It’s all about healing and restoration – becoming the individuals and couples God created you to be!

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?
• What does pornography do to marriages? 

 

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(*) Dr. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in West Conshohocken, PA. Dr. Kleponis has over 17 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, men’s issues, and pornography addiction recovery. Dr. Kleponis is creator of the Integrity Restored Recovery Program for pornography addiction and cofounder of the Integrity Restored Network. He is author of the book, The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach. Through his Fighting Porn in Our Culture…and Winning! conference Dr. Kleponis travels internationally speaking about the pornography epidemic, how to protect families, and how to help those who struggle with addiction. His website is www.IntegrityRestored.com.

Looking at photos of women in swimming costumes…?

Looking at photos of women in swimming costumes can have negative consequences on the way we regard women. The images leave a mark in our mind and it can be difficult to get rid of it.

Imagine you meet a pretty woman, and you get to be best friends. Soon after you fall in love and finally you ask her to marry you. How wonderful, she accepts!

You go off on honeymoon, and then, after this you learn she’s pregnant with your first child, a little girl. When the baby arrives, you are the first to see her. Your eyes fill with tears as you behold a miniature version of your wife.

You fall in love again – in a certain manner – because you are in admiration of this new-born, which you created with the help of your wife, and above all with the grace of God.

You bring her up with love, you teach her to ride a bike, you scoop her up into your arms if ever she falls over… She’s the princess, and you are her king, and you both know it. Years go by, and you start building a family.

Today, it’s her 17^th birthday and she’s organising a pool party with her friends. She comes out of the house in a swimming costume, and your son takes a photo with his phone. As he thinks it a good photo he publishes it on the internet.

Soon, there will be hundreds of thousands of strangers all over the world lusting over your princess. They’ll be admiring her body, and making all kinds of jokes about this young woman, and what they’d like to do to her.

And you, how do you feel about it?

Would you feel reassured if they said they were “simply appreciating the beauty of the feminine body”?

Now imagine God the Father’s heart, who loves his daughters infinitely more that you or I ever could.

Magazine girls are also daughters of the “King of Heaven and Earth”, whether they’re aware of it or not. What’s sad it that us, his sons, have created a market, for selling his children.

This is why pope John-Paul II challenges us:

“Every man must look inside himself to see if those who were entrusted to him as sisters of humanity […] have not become an object of adultery in their heart.”(1)

We are called to treat women with the honour, purity and respect we expect other men to treat our daughters.

I knew about “Sports Illustrated” (sports magazine) which was going round high school, and I’d heard all the reasons in advance to justify it, pretending it wasn’t bad to admire the photos in it. Obviously, none of the arguments were very convincing, but why would I care about that? I was just appreciating the feminine body. Before I was aware of it and could stop it, my way of looking at them had been modified. My criteria of physical beauty had become one of impossible perfection. And when the eye wanders from page to page of a magazine, with lust, your eyes also start looking from one girl to the next, on campus or in the shopping centre.

In a very short time, you start assuming that behaviour like this, always being sexy, is something completely natural to teenagers. Then, when you bump into girls at school or even at church, without even realising it, you’re transforming them into objects. We start measuring the value of a woman by the excitement or desire she provokes. We become increasingly superficial. And all the while we sooth our conscience by saying that it won’t affect us that much.

Images leave a mark on the mind

Porn pictures leave behind a mark on your mind, and I don’t know how long it takes to erase them. But it’s not just these images which stay with you. Your vicious way of seeing things won’t leave you either. A way of seeing things in a certain light, where your eyes are not happy with looking at just one woman, even when you start a relationship. You’ve trained them to look at anything that could excite them. They’ve become gluttonous with lust.

Now I’m married, I still feel the effects of porn magazines and sports photos of swimming costumes that I looked at ten years ago. It causes you to have unfaithful eyes: looking at every attractive woman you see. I’m not saying you lust over each of them, but you have a tendency to want to undress any pretty woman within 100 metres of you.

But my eyes, like my heart and my body, belong only to Crystalina (my wife). If I know there’s a dreamy creature walking around the shopping centre, I have to turn my head, to stop myself stealing a glance at her. Lastly, it’s not a sin to contemplate a beautiful woman, but we have to get back to monogamy, because pornography causes us to live a “mental polygamy”.

“How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!”

What should you do if you see a magnificent woman? I recommend you recite the words of Psalm 84 in your heart: “How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!” As every person is a temple of the Holy Spirit, we can rightly thank God for the beauty of each place he inhabits!

If you don’t know what to do, to stop looking at photos of women in swimming costumes, if you’re feeling powerless in the face of this situation, don’t hesitate to talk to us about it via the chat (free and anonymous). We’re here for you!

Going further:

• What does pornography do to women?
• How does porn effect society?
• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

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Notes

(1) Pope Jean-Paul II, Apostolic letter, Mulieris Dignitatem 14 (On the dignity and vocation of women), (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1988

 

Masturbation, what’s the problem? Last night, Văn Sinh N. left us this message on the contact page of SOSPorn:

“Help me overcome masturbation. Thank you so much.”

We can clearly see through this example: a man asking for help…

What is masturbation ?

Masturbation is the solitary pursuit of sexual pleasure through arousal of genital parts. It’s frequent at adolescence when sexual urges start appearing. It can be supported by fantasies, consumption of pornography, etc. There is always a link between porn and masturbation, even if this is not true of the opposite.

But what’s the problem?

The real problem with masturbating, is the pursuit of pleasure centred on ourselves, without a real relationship nor true tenderness.

This can provoke an obsession or a guilt which will poison your life!

Masturbation is also an escape from or over-compensation for certain frustrations: loneliness, lack of love, etc; It can hide a secret wound. But masturbation is not the solution. It’s the contrary, it imprisons us in the problem. It’s a quick escape… and for Christians it’s a sin because it cuts us off from the love of God, source of all love.

 

Two tendencies TO AVOID:

1. TRIVIALISING masturbation like it’s a necessary part of looking after your body or a normal and positive way of discovering your sexuality.

Masturbation is not harmless!

2. DRAMATISING masturbation like it’s the dirtiest and most shameful thing ever. No: our body is beautiful and pleasure is justified!

The problem is not then physical, but mental:

1. If it becomes a habit, masturbation weakens our personality (dependency). It affects our sense of fulfilment because of sexual obsession, the feeling of failure, or guilt.

2. Masturbating can also paralyse our romantic relationships through its pursuit of individual and climactic pleasure instead of living a true RELATIONSHIP based on love and shared pleasure. This can cause a partner to suffer deeply.

And you, what do you think? Come and talk about it with us through the live chat’ (anonymous and free discussion):

Going further:

• What’s wrong with masturbation ?
• Porn and masturbation, the same battle?
• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

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Source: response freely adapted for Sosporno.net/Sosporn.org from a page in the booklet for teenagers Succeed in your sentimental and sexual life, Brother Jean-Benoît Casterman, Editions des Beatitudes.

Impossible ? No, difficult probably !

That’s why you clicked on this article. It depends on each person, their life path and their physical, moral and spiritual capacities. So there is no need to compare yourself to others, you are unique, and you don’t see other people when they are alone at home facing their urges.

The athlete model

As in many other areas, in order to handle your urges, you need to keep in mind the athlete’s step-by-step approach. If you want to control your urges all at once, you risk to fail and become discouraged, just as if you sign up for the Olympic Games even though you don’t do any sport.

It is easy to admit that for a physical practice, you must start with a regular training adapted to your physical condition, completed with a healthy diet, then you join a local club, and then you register and qualifie for departmental, regional, national, and finally international competitions… or not! Not everyone reaches the podium of the highest competition, in fact there are only three places per competition.

To handle your urges, it’s the same, it’s a path of progression, and you don’t know at the beginning, what level you will reach.

Use your urges rather than trying to hold them back

Fighting against urges can quickly become exhausting. Especially since today’s society, with its films, advertisements and clothing fashions, etc., over-stimulates our desires and our sexuality, and this is no small thing. We must be aware of this situation in order to manage it as well as possible, to anticipate it and also to relieve ourselves of some of sexual urges that run through us and seem to be out of control, which the world tries to exacerbate in us.

Accepting setbacks to continue to progress

Wanting to be perfect, is the risk of being proud, pretentious, or too scrupulous, and above all failing, and then being in a paralyzing guilt. This is why God asks for repentance and humility, not guilt. Our failures help us to remain humble. Jesus did not experience sin, but on the way to the cross, the trial being difficult, he fell three times, got up and kept going. We should try to follow his example.

A supernatural boost

Christians offer solutions such as prayer and the sacraments as confession to help us evolve and remain in control of our instincts and urges, unlike animals who remain submissive because they have no free will or soul. To learn more, start a dialogue with one of our volunteers using the live chat. We are waiting for you!

How can I get rid of porn images in my mind?

If you are obessed by pornographic images in your mind you can pray the deliverance prayer for the intercession of Carlo Acutis. Just recite it over and over again with all your heart.

If you are obessed by a person who has sent you pornographic photos or videos, you can try this strategy. Every time one of their impure images comes to your mind, use that as a call to pray for sender.

Don’t know how to pray? Nothing to worry about, just say:

“Jesus, I am praying to you for so and so (name the person if you know their name) because I want you to save her (or him)…!”

All you need to do is to simply pray for that person. In this way, instead of that person causing you to slip back, you can help Jesus to save them too. Therefore, this will pay you back, so to speak, for the time you have spent and at the same time help save that person from the evil clutches of pornographic images that has her (or him)  in its trap! If you practice this on a regular basis, the bad thoughts in your mind will rapidly quieten down!

First and foremost, deepen (or start) a personal prayer life and stay pure from day to day as best as you can. Get closer to Mary—also called Our Lady, the Blessed Virgin Mary, the Mother of God (Mary many names)! Mary is the best untier of knots ever! In doing these simple things, you will start to chase away the pornographic images that obsess you!

You need to restore how you feel about femininity (or masculinity): Pray 10 Hail Marys (eventually an entire Rosary or 5 groups of 10 Hail Marys) every day. This is THE ideal means to begin reconstructing your life!

You can also pray the deliverance prayer without moderation!

Another remedy to pornography is learning to understand your feminine dignity (or your masculine virility) and how you desire to be loved. Persevere in this way and your temptations will be transformed into real love for others.

In the meantime, stay strong. Resist temptation and you will acquire virtues that will help you to re-create yourself just as God created you—with all the love He has for you—so that you can give that very same love to others, in all areas of your life. Trust in God’s love for you!

So now, what do you think? Do you want to pray for a person who has sent you impures images that you can’t get out of your mind? Do you want to pray to Mary with us? Then come and talk with us on our live chat today!

 

Going further:

• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis
• How to stop watching porn: 10 techniques
• Prayer for deliverance from porn addiction, what good can it do?

My husband watches porn: is it my fault?

This article by Matt Fradd* was first published ThePornEffect.com with the title It’s not your fault your husband watches porn.

By far, one of the most common myths that women believe when they find out that their husband is hooked on porn is this:

“I am to blame. I must be the source of the problem. If I was only prettier, or more adventurous in bed, if I was only not so nagging or needy or angry, he wouldn’t be so drawn to these perfect women online.”

Let me use an analogy to show you why this is false.

The Gypsy Moth

Back in the 1860s, Americans made the mistake of bringing the gypsy moth from Europe to Boston. Within 10 years, swarms of gypsy moths were devastating the forests and continued doing so for over a century. Attempts to eradicate this moth failed, but then in the 1960s scientists devised a new strategy. Biologists knew that the male gypsy moth found the female by following her scent—her pheromones.

Scientists developed massive quantities of a synthetic version of this pheromone and then scattered small pellets of it from the air. The effect was overpowering for the males. They either became confused and didn’t know which direction to turn to find the female, or they became desensitized to the lower levels of pheromones naturally given out by the female.

Pornography has the similar effect on the male brain in our culture. Surrounded by powerful doses of synthetic sex, men find themselves confused about where to turn for real connection or are unmotivated to do so.

It Isn’t Your Fault

It isn’t your fault that you aren’t hundreds of online, 2-dimensional women. It isn’t your fault that you aren’t as clickable and customizable as digital images. It isn’t your fault that sex with you doesn’t look like a scripted, heavily edited film performed by sex athletes.

My friend Luke Gilkerson, the Educational Resource Manager at Covenant Eyes, has an illustration he often uses with hurting wives:

“Compare the enjoyment of a fine candlelight dinner to a sub-par, all-you-can-eat buffet with food that’s been under the warmers for five hours. If a person chooses the buffet over the candlelight dinner, it is not because the food is actually better. It is because at the buffet he gets variety, volume, novelty, and convenience. This is what draws men to porn over pursuing an intimate relationship with their wives: they want a variety of women, they want to binge, they want novel fantasy experiences, and they don’t want the inconvenience of coordinating with another person’s sexual desires and wants. It is sexual gluttony at its worst.”

Gilkerson clarifies that he doesn’t want us to stretch the analogy in the wrong direction: women are not “pieces of meat” or a commodity to be consumed.

The analogy is about the mentality of men: do they see their sexuality as a means of intimacy or do they treat it as a need for which women perform a valuable service? The man who prefers the cheap buffet over the candlelight dinner is evidence of his warped mentality, not evidence that the candlelight dinner is flawed.

What your husband has grown accustomed to is synthetic, industrial, and commercial sex—he has trained his brain for novelty, convenience, and variety, and no one woman can satisfy that kind of craving.

What Now?

If you’re coming to terms with your husband’s porn use and you just don’t know what to do next, I strongly encourage you to download the free guide from Convenant Eyes, Porn and Your Husband.

So, what do you think? Come and talk to us via the live chat’! (Free and anonymous listening service)

Going further:

• Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me.
• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• What does pornography do to marriages? 

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Notes

(*) Matt Fradd works for CovenantEyes.com and is the author of the book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women Who Turned From Porn to Purity. A popular speaker and Catholic apologist, he has addressed thousands of people around the world and appeared on EWTN, ABC, and the BBC. Matt is also the founder of ThePornEffect.com, which, if you haven’t guessed by now, is dedicated to helping men and women break free from the vice of pornography. He has produced several audio and video resources on pornography and purity, including Taking Down Goliath: Five Strategies to Get Porn Out of Your Life, The Ugly Truth, and The Man Talk (all available from Catholic Answers). He lives in North Georgia, with his wife Cameron and their four children.

We often hear that masturbation is good for the human body, but certain people say it’s harmful, so what’s the truth?

Reconditioned stimulus

Despite what numerous contemporary sexologists are saying, everything points to masturbation being detrimental for men, just as for women, and now it’s even been proven scientifically. If you’ve ever followed a psychology lesson, you’ll probably have heard of Pavlov’s dog. The doctor rang a bell every time he was getting ready to feed his dog. By doing this, he made his dog associate the bell with food, and the animal would start producing saliva just by hearing it ring. This is what we call a conditioned stimulus.

The human mind can be moulded in the same way. In fact, the pleasure centre is the easiest part of the brain to train. In anatomy, this is called the “medial preoptic area (MPA)”; and when the body feels a surge of pleasure, such as during any erotic activity, this zone is stimulated.

According to the research of Dr Douglas Weiss, when a person is sexually excited, the brain releases endorphins which cause the MPA to associate its happiness with whatever it’s doing, seeing, smelling, etc. at that very moment. Unconsciously, a link is made between an image, a perfume, or a particular individual, and the feeling of sexual satisfaction. (It’s one of the reasons pornography magazines contain perfume testers).

During climax, this link is strengthened even more by the release of the neuropeptide hormone, Oxytocin. This is also responsible for creating an attachment between lovers, when they act on their feelings. If a person is alone, it also creates a mental bond, but this time with a fantasy being. However, this process of getting closer to someone can be damaged by occasional erotic stimulation.

This scientific discovery throws new light on Paul’s words: “Do you not know that whoever is united to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For it is said, “The two shall be one flesh.” But anyone united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself” (1 Cor 6:16-18).

Stimulation and delusions caused by masturbation

When a person experiences pleasure by masturbation and lusting over an imaginary person, their brain becomes accustomed to being stimulated by fantasies born from their own mind. If their mind identifies these mental images as the source of its enjoyment, it’ll of course end up distancing the person from their spouse(x). But where will it take them? A partner is not a dreamed-up image with which you can play, but a real human being with their own personality, their own feelings and emotions, etc.

However, instead of experiencing pleasure with some who’s real, in a marriage bed, the individual in the habit of masturbating can be driven to find arousal in his thoughts/illusions, even when they’re trying to make love with their partner. Sometimes, men and women can be projected into something more than their imagination. This can lead them into adultery, to visit strip clubs, watch pornography, or establish a disordered lust for people in an attempt to satisfy their desires. Sometimes, a masturbation habit can carry on into a marriage, as it attempts to answer these “needs”.

Condemned to a dysfunctional marriage?

Now, this doesn’t mean that if you’ve experienced pleasure before, with someone other than your husband or wife, then you’re condemned to a dysfunctional marriage. However, it does mean you’ll have obstacles to get over which others, who haven’t experienced such things, can ignore. The brain can be re-educated, but it’ll take time, proportionate to the depth at which your lust is rooted.

Simply speaking, this all demonstrates how God’s plan for our sexuality is, in fact, engraved into our anatomy. When people decide to live according to God’s truths, their body naturally associates sexual joy with their spouse and not with anything or anyone else. God designed our bodies to be anchored into a couple, where spouses are physiologically attracted to each other. Their minds were programmed to be this way and their marriage reinforces it.

As the Bible says: “Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for sharing with strangers. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. May her breasts satisfy you at all times; may you be intoxicated always by her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, by another woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress? For human ways are under the eyes of the Lord, and he examines all their paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare them, and they are caught in the toils of their sin. They die for lack of discipline, and because of their great folly they are lost.” (Prov. 5:15–23)

We are available to talk with you and/or pray with you via the chat (anonymous and free):

Going further:

• “How and why, I stopped masturbating”
• Masturbation, what’s the problem?
• Hom to stop masturbating ? 8 ways to break out of it !

Will marriage resolve my pornography addiction?

Is marriage compatible with pornography addiction?

Have you ever asked yourself this question? 

You have a girlfriend (boyfriend) and it’s getting serious; you’ve decided you’re going to marry them, both of you have said “yes”! It’s planned to take place this year. In the picture you’re painting, all is well, the colours are well-chosen, the characters are in the right place, but there’s a problem with the shadowy areas.

First of all, there is a question you must ask yourself: Do you really want to break this addiction or do you think this is more a way of creating of a loophole?

In fact, underneath it all, you might say to yourself pornography will be helpful for your relationship. In times of boredom or fatigue, you can look at pictures to pass the time, find pleasure, introduce fantasy or break the routine of the sexual life of your couple.

However, I really don’t think this is going to help you. Pornography addiction is questionable as a wedding present. And above anything else, it’s not likely to improve your addiction but will introduce new hesitations and doubts into the heart of your relationship.

You and your ‘plus 1’ will surely bring different personal histories to your relationship, which play a role in the rapport with your sexuality. Pornography presents us with a vision of sexuality that makes use of the other’s body for our own pleasure first, with their pleasure secondary.

What are the dangers associated with this addiction?

You’ve seen an enormous number of images or behaviours, when watching films or looking at pictures. Pornography has changed your relationship with reality, by making you journey through a universe of illusions. Naturally, this brings you to think about reproducing the gestures you’ve seen, but they don’t in fact correspond with the situations within your marriage. These acts, carried out under the influence of the images you’ve seen, won’t be inspired by your desire to delight the other.

In marriage, there’s a whole other relationship at play. It’s the total gift to give. Love, fidelity and honesty are expressed in the language of the body.

The point of marital union isn’t firstly pleasure, but rather an intimate union with the other.

The best wedding present you can give to your plus 1 and yourself, is to get help. This addiction is serious, and trying to break out of it by yourself is too complex.

So at this question, “Will marriage resolve my pornography addiction?”, the answer is no.

How do you do it?

You’ll need to be accompanied by a specialist or ask for help. However, be very careful not to treat your partner as a therapist.

We can help you, and suggest you entrust this important step to Carlo Acutis. Don’t hesitate to talk to us via the chat (free and anonymous).

Going further:

• Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me.
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?
• What’s wrong with masturbation ?

How to channel sexual desire: 7 decisions to make

Nicolas* explains how he took 7 decisions, to put things in place in his life, and to channel his sexual desire.

Don’t deny your sexual desire, but channel it into a life project you have.

“Sexual desire can sometimes be extremely invasive, especially in a deeply erotised society, where it’s continuously being triggered by images (adverts, film scenes, etc.) For us men, it is not always easy to stay chaste!

Here are 7 decisions which helped me to live chastity, as a single-person:

1. Recognise and fully accept my desire, and the sexual impulses that reside in me.

It’s a beautiful energy, a force, which is given to us as a man or a woman to move forward, to get us engaged. Don’t deny it’s presence, but channel it, reorientating it towards a life project.

2. Use my reason to make an interior step

To understand what sexual fulfilment is. What are my dreams? To be able to give myself fully to the one I love, or pass from one sexual encounter to the next? What do I imagine my future wife to be like? To have slept with a lot of different men? Why then shouldn’t I reserve myself for her?

3. Imagine myself after my urges:

If I’m tempted to watch porn, masturbate or have a ‘one night stand’: imagine myself after having succumbed to my impulses: How would I be feeling?

A deep joy, an interior peace? Or sadness, deception, anger, loss of self-confidence?

4. Avoid idleness

The ideal conditions for impurity! Take up projects, join a charity, give myself for others… stop being centred on myself.

5. Sport

Evacuate natural bodily tension. Temptations are much fewer!

6. “Know yourself”

Don’t trigger the temptation spiral, it’s sure to get the better of me and take me always further than I want!

Avoid situations where I know I’ll lose control and in doing so, my liberty. For example: Drinking too much one evening could encourage a flirting game, which could quickly turn into heading off to her place or mine. Starting with little erotic video clips will lead into searching for pornography. The first click often leads me down that slippery slope!

7. Prayer

Ask Jesus for his strength, and receive regularly the sacraments of Confession and the Eucharist. Confession is a really concrete way of picking yourself up again and moving forward. When we recognise our mistakes, Christ meets us, forgives us and sets us free.

“And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.’” (John 8:11)

What do you do to channel your sexual desire? Not getting anywhere, got questions? We’re here for you via the chat (free and anonymous):Going further:

• How to rediscover your unity and freedom in 10 steps?
• Why do i keep falling, in spite of all the efforts i make?
• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

 

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Notes

(*) Source text: He is Alive! – July/August/September 2021 – N°352.

What is Chastity?

We might sometimes ask whether “chastity” is a term still in use, or a virtue which is less and less present today… But we should understand it’s meaning and how it can be beautiful to experience.

Does it still exist?

If you asked a young person of today what the virtue of chastity is, they would look at you, almost confusedly, asking what it is you’re talking about. Some might reply it’s “something” we don’t do anymore, from the Middle Ages. Chastity may be seen as a mortification practice, to humiliate; a sort of “castration” of the person. This conviction seems to only get stronger when we look at the Christian tradition where monks and nuns take a “vow of chastity”, never marrying and locking themselves into a monastery or convent. And so, today, if we mention chastity, it’s almost always in a negative or outdated context.

Deprivation or liberation?

When talking about chastity, the real problem is we believe that those who live it have to renounce carnal pleasures, without knowing why, depriving themselves of a human joy.

It’s true, pleasure is not something negative in itself and it’s not considered so by those who experience it. Sexual experiences, at increasingly younger ages and more widely spread among the youth, testify to the search of a pleasure without limits. We are “free” when we can live our sexuality without constraint or cultural limitations. However, living like this doesn’t seem to make us any freer; a sexuality left to its own devices, provokes addiction, frustration, wounds and a feeling of being empty in our hearts.

Giving, is really gaining

Chastity is the path on which I will learn to love the other. Egoism defines itself in possessing, provoking pleasure for itself; love is founded on the gift of self which elates the other’s heart. Living chastely is choosing to respect the other, their existence, their body, their being and welcoming all that they are, in a profound mystery which exceeds us. True joy is when I am able to make another feel they are a special and unique being; it’s in valorising gestures like holding hands or caressing. The trivialisation of sexuality dries out relationships, destroying them and taking away the beauty of being together, damaging trust and tenderness.

Object or person?

The television tells us of an ever-increasing violence towards women. This is due to an objectification of the person, which gives us the impression we’re allowed to use the other, to do what we want with them, and how we want it. This means the other feels ‘abused’, ‘robbed’, ‘violated’ in their body and their being; even if, underneath it all there may be sincere feelings of affection or attraction. Indeed, it’s not enough to feel something for someone, to then be able to give ourselves entirely to them.

In love, there’s no rush!

To avoid becoming dry instruments of pleasure, here’s the key word: patience! I know, especially for young people, it’s a synonym for torture, but waiting for important steps and key moments, when it comes to love, is essential for a romantic or friendly relationship to be constructed and endure in the long term. Love, in its deep and intimate reality, cannot be experienced immediately. Time has to be given to get to know the other, to understand their feelings and whether they’re real, and their way of thinking, their character, their expectations and desires. The fruit of love can only be picked when it’s ripe, at that point it’ll be sweet and a source of happiness.

What do you think? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• Is masturbation harmful?
• Managing your sexuality: how and why?
• Why do we need to educate ourselves about sexuality and Feelings?