Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

On the 25th of June, last year, Agathe gave us her testimony using the chat’ on SOSPorn: “when we’re stuck in it, we’re so powerless… it’s a turning cogwheel from which it’s so difficult to get out.” She explained to us how she managed to fight her addiction and be liberated from pornography. All thanks to a new friend whom she met through providence!

I became an addict when I was adolescent

I fell into the trap of pornography addiction when I was a teenager, around the age of 15 yrs old. It very slyly found its way in, progressively, before I’d even had time to react, I was stuck in a trap, impossible to get out of. I always needed more, to go further, in the videos I would watch, I had certain habits too…

Not only could I not go without it, but it took a big place in my daily life.

On the one hand I couldn’t see the problem with it. “More than half of young people have already watched pornography”, “it’s normal, everyone does it”, “realistically speaking, it’s only the Church who disagrees with it”… This is what I heard and it enabled me to let go of feeling guilty, to tell myself it was normal and not anything serious.

“I felt it wasn’t good for me”

However, on another hand, I felt deep down that it wasn’t good for me and that I had to stop. I was ashamed. I was too ashamed to talk about it, to accept what I was doing, ashamed about not managing to stop on my own. I tried stopping it all many times but I wasn’t able to keep it up for more than a day. I felt so helpless, that in spite of the shame, I managed to ask for help in my prayers. I was thinking to myself, if I can’t manage this alone, there was only one solution left, to ask God for help and that he give me the necessary strength to resist it.

He took time before replying, but the reality was that he gave me so much more than just the strength to stop.

I received a real gift: a ‘wink’ from God!  – Liberation

On the 10th of October 2020, I was at my cousin’s wedding and during the reception one of my aunts who I didn’t know very well, came over to talk to me. After having briefly asked how I was she gave me a flyer with the image of Carlo Acutis, and on the back, there was a prayer of deliverance from pornography addiction. She just handed me this flyer she’d found lying in the bottom of her back, before going off to talk to someone else.

I was profoundly touched and struck by the title of the prayer, but I quickly put it away in my bag to carry on with the party, not letting anything show. The following day I remembered it, I thought to myself it was a real wink from God.

It was only after a week I realised that something had happened. I hadn’t touched pornography since the wedding and I didn’t even desire it anymore. I no longer needed to wrestle with it; it had become easy. At that point I became aware of the grace I’d received.

But who is this Carlo?

I’d never heard of Carlo Acutis before, so I researched him to know a bit more. I then realised I received the flyer with his prayer on it, the very day and time of his beatification*.

What happened on the 10^th October 2020 at the time of Carlo’s beatification, when I received the little card with his photo and prayer on it, was a real healing. And this is very much in line with the work of SOSPorn.

I needed time to be sure of the healing and to be sure I wasn’t making it up. But for nearly 9 months now, not only do I not watch pornographic videos anymore, but I have no compulsion to. What used to be impossible for me, is now easy.

I also managed to speak about it, to confess it and this step was truly a second healing for me, more spiritual.

Since then, the effects of grace have decreased and the battle has restarted. I sometimes feel like I could fall again, and that it’s more complicated. But I continue to have this strength which gives me the capacity to resist. I am conscious of the difficulties that lie ahead, but I feel ready to confront them and I know I am no longer alone in this fight.

Agathe

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• François’s recovery from a 25-year porn addiction.
• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• Porn: What’s the problem?

A miraculous cure through Carlo Acutis. The heartbreaking testimony of a wife and mother who discovered that her husband was addicted to porn, and how he broke free from it.

I am now thirty-eight years old… Two years ago, we went through a terrible ordeal as a couple. We were married in church fifteen years ago and I can testify to the wonderful graces of the sacrament of marriage. When I discovered that my husband had fallen into the grip of pornography, I fell apart. “Anything except that!” I can’t explain it but you feel totally devastated and yet it wasn’t me who was searching for those images.

I loved my husband too much to believe that it was true, that he had fallen into this trap. I could see that he wasn’t feeling great. I have to say that there were many extenuating circumstances but I felt terrible about the fact that he was watching these videos. I felt alone. This subject is still considered a taboo, so who can you talk to about it? It is so hard; and it affects our intimacy as a couple.

God is so good that He hasn’t abandoned us. At the same time, the SOSPorn website had just been launched and I got an email about it. I had the courage to visit the website and I discovered the prayer of deliverance through Carlo Acutis’s intercession. So I prayed for my darling husband. Prayer is essential, but I still felt alone. I then took the decision to use the Chat facility and the Lord, in His infinite goodness, put me in touch with the right person at the right time. Thank you!

• Does this affect you? Talk to us via the chat! (There is no charge and you remain anonymous)

I was able to have a friendly chat and discussion. I was also able to confide in a friend who was a priest and who had given us a lot of support. I had a desire to save our marriage, our love and the man to whom I had committed my life and whom I loved. That’s when I moved heaven and earth. You know, when you have a sick child, you do everything to care for them, reassure them and cherish them, even when you are exhausted. Well, that’s what I set out to do for my beloved husband!

A prayer for a miraculous cure through Carlo…

I wanted to fight, to tell myself that it was possible to help him. It was a lot to take in. For sure! I used to cry a lot when I was alone. I got angry too.
Sometimes I said things to him and it was as though he’d been electrocuted. I also tried to continue to love him as he was, with his wounds, and to let myself be loved…

None of this would have been possible without the support of prayer. Thanks to SOSporn and its members, I really felt supported. I can truly say that my husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis and thanks to SOSporn. In fact, during the beatification of Carlo Acutis and the veneration of his body by the faithful, members of SOSporn placed my husband’s name before Carlo, and Carlo’s mother also prayed for my husband. For my part, I prayed to Carlo a lot. He has become my little brother in heaven who watches over my darling husband, our marriage, and our family.

When my husband realized that he was hurting himself and our marriage, he agreed to let himself be helped… by me. I felt so weak but we had entrusted ourselves to each other on our wedding day. I let myself be led by the communion of saints, especially Carlo and Saints Louis and Zélie Martin.

We love the sanctuary at Alençon. We had planned to go and pray in the chapel, where there was Adoration of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, but the sanctuary had to shut because of the Covid pandemic and it just offered an evening livestream. There was no way I could accept that! I explained to the nuns that it was vital that we pray in person at the sanctuary. They told me that they would discern what to do and call me back. In the meantime, I expressly asked Carlo for his intercession because if my husband was ready to let himself be loved by the Lord, we really shouldn’t lose the opportunity! The sisters called me back an hour later to say that they would make an exception for us and that we could go. Thank you Lord! Thank you Carlo!

A few months later, my husband agreed to go on the At the Heart of Men retreat. But then the possibility of a third lockdown started looming. I prayed… I had my family and friends pray… I explained to the Lord once again how vital it was. Thank goodness! The retreat was still on and my husband left with his good friend. His wife said that I really had faith because the retreat was so close to being cancelled. Thank you Lord! Thank you Carlo! He returned from this retreat transformed. Over time, my husband has changed a lot, for the better. We have nothing to hide anymore. We love each other as we are. This may seem easy to say, but it is a daily struggle. I lost confidence in myself and in him, and today I am trying to regain my confidence.

The only thing for me now is that we love each other in weakness. This trial has made me understand how a wounded person can let themselves be fooled. Since then, I have become more compassionate towards human suffering.
The battle is not yet won because temptation exists. We are vigilant. Patience and perseverance make it possible to keep going. I know with a deep certainty that Carlo is watching over us. I ask him to look after my husband every day.

Now, these words are for you, my darling husband. You know how much I have always loved you. You know how much I have always believed in our calling to marriage. Just like the great hero King David, you – the hero of my heart – have fallen. I’ve learned that forgiveness has a price, especially when it hurts a lot. But you can be sure that I have forgiven you. Thanks to you, I understood how patient God is when I walk away from Him. You have taught me patience… You have taught me to forgive. I love you.

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me.
• What does pornography do to marriages? 
• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

 

After suffering from a porn addiction for 25 years, François was suddenly cured!

It was quite simple. It was August 2021. A guest at a dinner party talked about SOSporn.org and how people had been cured from their addiction to pornography through the intercession of Blessed Carlo Acutis. A priest who was there made a note of the website name so he could tell his parishioners…

A few days later, François, who was 45 years old, told this priest that he had been addicted to porn since he was 20 years old, for more than 25 years. He had never been able to fully break free and it was having a major impact on his life. The priest suggested that he pray the short prayer of deliverance on SOSporn. François prayed it with all his heart:

“Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.” (Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 5, verse 8)

God of tenderness and goodness, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, Mother of Mercy,

Come and break the scourge of pornography that plagues the world.

We pray to you for all those who are enslaved by it, and in particular for ….

Heal their heart and their senses and strengthen them in temptation, through the intercession of the young Blessed Carlo Acutis, a missionary of your Heart, fully devoted to Mary.

Amen.

Something happened…

Seven months later, François told the priest that he was completely cured thanks to Carlo and SOSPorn.org. His life was transformed!

A powerful testimony! So, if this addiction is directly or indirectly affecting you, you can ask a volunteer on this website to say this prayer with you via the chat. Or simply say it on your own, with all your heart. Try it… You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And, if you know someone who suffers from this addiction, you know what to do… talk to them!

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis
• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• Prayer for deliverance from porn addiction, what good can it do?

 

 

 

Testimony: God delivered me from an addiction to masturbation that started in my teens.

An addiction to masturbation linked to deep suffering

This addiction was linked to deep emotional pain. And I felt even worse because I longed for something else – to follow Christ with my whole being and my whole life. There were times of respite, one of them even lasted two years… But invariably, I always ended up slipping back into it, like an inevitable fate that I had to accept for my whole life. I used to dream about living without feeling like a slave to my body!

I had an opportunity to work on this suffering during a therapy session that helped me to free myself from some of the guilt that was suffocating me. I also made the choice – for three years – not to mention this addiction when I went to confession with a priest, believing that I wasn’t killing anyone, after all… In the end, I couldn’t find full deliverance, it seemed impossible to me.

 

Healing of the heart

In July 2008, I decided to attend a gathering at Paray-le-Monial, the Emmanuel Community’s international sessions. The day before leaving, I once again could not resist the temptation. And then I felt so dirty and ashamed that I didn’t want to go. But I said to myself: “Even if I feel dirty, I will still be happier with Jesus in Paray-le-Monial.” In fact, Paray is also called the city of the heart of Jesus…

So I arrived in Paray on July 9, 2008. I had only just sat down in the chapel of apparitions when I felt all that I had to confess about masturbation flood into me, without having prepared anything. It was such a huge surge! I soon got up to go to confession at the back of the chapel, but I didn’t know how to put into words everything I was feeling and stopped halfway through, repeating this one sentence to the priest: “My heart is so tight.”

After the session began, I chose the seminar “The love that doesn’t progress.” It was led by Elisabeth and François Content, in the main tent, in front of this great icon of Jesus delivering Adam and Eve from hell. The teaching took place over two sessions. From the very beginning of the first session, I was struck by how much all the words of the couple who were teaching resonated with me, as if they had written their speech especially for me, revisiting my entire history. At the same time, in every part of me, I experienced a sensation of both power and gentleness. And I knew that it came from Jesus and that I could see it on the large icon. I also felt complete freedom: I wasn’t trapped in this place and I was free to leave if I wanted. I instantly chose to stay, just because I felt good and I felt something important was happening inside me.

And how about you? What do you think? Talk to us via the chat! (There is no charge and you remain anonymous):

Through confession

The next day, July 12, I went to confession again, this time in the open air, in Chapelins Park, and said everything I needed to say. The priest listened to me patiently and then, when he spoke, I felt the true liberation that I had no longer believed in. This deliverance was fulfilled as he spoke! I got up filled with joy. I went straight to adoration (where Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament is exposed for people to pray before Him). The wind was making the hanging monstrance sway. Every second time, it turned towards me. I knew that this was because of the wind and the place where I was but the only thing that mattered was what I felt in my heart with immense happiness: Jesus was dancing for joy for me! Because there is more joy in heaven for one sinner who is converted than for 99 righteous people who do not need to be saved!

On July 13, the second part of the seminar took place. I experienced the same thing as I had on July 11. I left Paray on July 14, very happy! I was certain that this time, I had not experienced a temporary respite but a full and complete liberation from my addiction to masturbation. It was then up to me, with the Lord’s help, to develop a daily commitment and to choose life.

On the evening of July 14, when I stepped onto the station platform, I stopped in front of two large posters announcing the release of a film called: “The first day of the rest of your life.”

And how about you? What do you think? Talk to us via the chat! (There is no charge and you remain anonymous):

Going further:

• What’s wrong with masturbation?
• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• Is masturbation harmful?

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Source: adapted from an article in “Il est vivant.”

Jessica Hariss was a porn addict : her testimony!

Do women struggle with porn too? Author and ex-porn addict Jessica Harris says women can succumb to a porn addiction just as easily as men do. She also warns parents: it’s not a matter of if your child will be exposed to porn, but when.

Jessica Harris is now the founder of Beggar’s Daughter, a ministry dedicated to walking with women who have an addiction to pornography. Telling her own story of porn addiction and struggle with lust, Jessica seeks to help other women find hope, healing, and grace. Jessica enjoys traveling and speaking on the topic of female lust addiction and how churches can minister to women who struggle. She resides just outside of Washington DC where she works as a teacher and serves on the Biblical counseling team in her church. She is the author of Love Done Right: Devos—A Journey From Lust into the Love of God.

• To go further: read his many articles about porn addiction on Covenanteyes.com

So, what do you think about what says ex-porn addict Jessica Harris? Come and talk to us via the live chat’! (Free and anonymous listening service)

And you, what do you think? Do you believe it’s possible to stop using porn? Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Edgar’s testimony: “what if marriage could resolve my problem?”
• Ran Gavrieli: “Why I stopped watching porn” (vidéo)
• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”

Gwenaëlle was freed from pornography and gives us her testimony and her story. Between life and death, the choice was liberating.

Her story

She was first exposed to pornographic images and videos at the age of 12, when she was doing research online. By mistyping a name, she found herself in front of images and photos of an actress. Her babysitter was with her and encouraged her to look at these photos, also viewing them with Gwenaëlle.

From that moment on, Gwenaëlle was hooked, addicted to looking at those images every day. From childhood, this disrupted her entire development and affected her identity as to how she saw herself or even how she saw others.

Women, men, the male/female relationship, everything was distorted. The change in her life would come when she met Jesus. By his grace, Jesus would make her realize that watching these images and videos was destroying everything in her, that it was not good for her.

The addiction was so deeply ingrained that Gwenaëlle found it normal; it was “attached to her.” Jesus brought it all into the light and she realized that pornography was destroying her life.

Quitting was complicated. After several attempts, she continued to fall back into it. At 18, through bad company and bad choices, she found herself faced with a choice: continue with the bad company that would lead to death or choose life with Jesus.

Choosing to die or to live

Through this choice she had to make, Jesus drew her to himself through his word, the Bible. Gwenaëlle began to read it with eagerness and passion; she thus discovered who God is, who her God really is. “He who loved not sin but sent his son to deliver us from sin.”

One afternoon, while still addicted, she was on YouTube and a picture she came across made her want to watch porn. Gwenaëlle then felt moved by the Holy Spirit and with all her strength she shouted “NO!” At that moment, she felt that she had been delivered; she felt something leave, something that affected her body and her heart.

“I want to follow Him who is powerful and who saved me from these seven years of misery!”

After this episode, she decided to follow Jesus and, despite the difficulties, she stands firm in Him.

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis
• François’s recovery from a 25-year porn addiction.
• How to stop watching porn: 10 techniques

“How and why, I stopped masturbating”

Noemie tells of her combat: masturbation. She talks about her battle and how she managed to get over it.

Noemie is a young woman who decided to give her life to Jesus in 2015.

When she was 19yrs old, she was delivered from masturbation. Three years later she gives her testimony about this addiction.

She explains to us how things are different between when she didn’t have faith, to when she became a believer.

Her story

Being born into a hyper-sexualised society, she started masturbating at 7 yrs old. She didn’t know her body yet, she didn’t know it had a sexual dimension, she was discovering her body.

It became a daily routine. She explains that it was linked to a particular place; this can be different depending on different people.

After meeting Jesus, she understood it was masturbation and also realised it had become an addiction; she felt compelled to do it and was disturbed by this.

After her conversion

She tried to stop masturbating, and felt good about this decision, because she didn’t feel pure in the eyes of God. She wanted to stop but found it really hard to.

Noemie made the decision to fast from it, she lasted one month before falling again. She continued pouring effort into it.

She realised the Devil was playing a lot with her thoughts and dreams. All this was the opposite of what she wanted to be.

Every time she masturbated, she understood she was opening a door to the Devil. She felt ashamed and guilty and asked herself how could God love someone who wasn’t able to stop doing this.

The turning point

One day, she was praying when she received the image of a giant, all in black, in her bathroom, with the word “fornication” written on it. She thought to herself it had gone far enough and it had to stop. Despite all her willingness, she just couldn’t stop.

Bravery

She went to see the wife of the pastor in her community and explained it to her. This woman prayed for her and with her. Noemie prayed and exercised authority over the bad spirits.

“In the name of Jesus, I cast you out”

In this way, Noemie was delivered from her burden, she never fell again. She was tempted many times, but every time she prayed, so as not to fall.

If you are in a situation like Noemie’s, and you would like us to pray with you and for you, don’t hesitate to talk to us via the chat (free and anonymous) :

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis
• François’s recovery from a 25-year porn addiction.
• What’s wrong with masturbation?

Edgar’s testimony: “what if marriage could resolve my problem?”

Here is Edgar’s testimony, liberated from pornography and masturbation thanks to the french therapy Coeur Hackeur.

Edgar, 33yrs old, was accompanied by Tanguy for 5 months. He was addicted to masturbating and to pornography, and had been so since his adolescence.

How it began

During adolescence, masturbation became a ritual for him: like all addictions, Edgar needed his ‘dose’ in order to go to sleep, release frustrations, or even reward himself after a great day. He’d managed to convince himself that he wasn’t hurting anyone, and this made him carry on. He’d established a routine: picking up a magazine or book containing erotic images, he ran them over and over again in his mind. This fuelled his quest for “always more”.

Back then, he didn’t take what adults said seriously, when they would remind him of the importance of self-control, even in situations when it seemed hard. It seemed impossible to him, old-fashioned and above all, groundless. He wasn’t the only one to think like this; his friends agreed with him too.

Like a drug

Edgar had easy access to the internet. Because of this, things accelerated. He went quickly from simple pictures of lingerie, to photos, then to pornographic videos. He had the perfect technique: he would memorise the website addresses, and delete the last few hours of internet history, so as not to leave any trace. He admits it himself: “I was behaving like a drug addict”. He would hide, stuck in his endless search, and worse than this, he was in total denial of his addiction.

During that period, he found it hard to have serious relationships, understanding only later, what the reason behind it was: casual flings had become enough for him, sexually speaking.

Growing older, Edgar joined the Marines. During one particular mission lasting several months, he was living in close proximity with others, and so he wasn’t able to masturbate in his bed or in the communal showers. To his misfortune, one night, he had a “wet dream”, and this made him feel incredibly embarrassed.

From that moment on, he shut himself up in the belief it was better to ‘discharge himself’, and avoid having this kind of accident again. Contrary to the practise of his Marine comrades, Edgar refused to pay for prostitutes. In his view, it was like bargaining love. He even refused to see a prostitute paid for by another Marine, who was putting him under pressure and trying to force him to be like the others. He managed to get hold of pornographic videos on his hard drive and so continued to pleasure himself alone, in front of these images, convincing himself it was normal.

An addiction Incompatible with couple life

At the age of 28yrs, Edgar kept the hope alive of having a serious and stable relationship. He realised that compulsive masturbation and pornography use were incompatible with couple life and a fulfilling sexual life. This is where his motivation for stopping came from; for the good of a future relationship. He thought he would be able to just stop using it, like it was cigarettes. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t work out and the girl he was with, left him.

A single man once more, Edgar picked up his old habits, thinking he would solve the problem when he was married. His pornography consumption was more and more orientated towards increasingly trash images, even more violent and sickening than before. He was suffering deeply; he felt dirty and alone. He believe it would be totally impossible to stop.

Understanding the need to get help

One day, he met the woman of his dreams, a young lady, still a virgin, who’d stopped masturbating completely during adolescence. Virginity and self-control: two things in which he no longer believed! Yet, here she was, living-proof it was possible, and she gave him hope.

His partner orientated him towards Tanguy. He refused initially, out of pride, but after continuous relapses, and discussions with his girlfriend, he understood the double necessity of stopping before they got married, and of needing help to stop.

Tanguy suggested really concrete measures which would secure his environment and his daily schedule, and avoid slip ups. He helped him reflect on and find good reasons for no longer escaping into compulsive behaviours. Edgar realised that ‘wet dreams’ were actually normal and how his fiancé preferred that, to him searching for secretive and out of control, solitary pleasure. He learnt how to bounce back after a relapse and to leave his isolation behind. He finally understood that in thinking he wasn’t hurting anyone, he was in fact hurting himself the first.

Today he is married and delivered from this addiction. He still experiences difficulties from time to time, but he no longer feels permanently a slave to compulsive behaviours. Obviously, he must remain vigilant for the rest of his life, to avoid falling into the traps society tends to put out for us everywhere (adverts, Internet, etc.). But he has accepted this and in his view, it’s well worth it!

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• What does pornography do to marriages? 
• Interview with Tanguy, coach and therapist

Possible to stop using porn? Marcelin*, 27yrs old, gave this testimony to us directly. He managed to break out of a ten-year pornography addiction thanks to the program Free to Love.

« It’s possible to stop »

I think what we’re all waiting for, us, the people marked by the red iron of addiction to pornography and masturbation, is for someone to tell us it’s possible to stop, and that stopping is real. That others have already done it and that, today, some are on the path to getting out of this unhealthy stupor, just like we want to be.

• Read more : How to stop watching porn: 10 techniques

When we can’t find strength enough to stop by ourselves, what we’re left thirsting for is hope, for an attitude that doesn’t judge and one we can trust. An attitude which believes in us and in which we can see the first glimmers of hope. This is why it’s essential to fight this combat whilst being accompanied, and if I want you to take one thing away with you from this testimony, it’s the belief that it is possible!

One day, I couldn’t face sinking anymore more deeply, interiorly, into this addiction, so I decided to use the same tool which was destroying me daily – the internet – to look for a solution. With force and rage, begging God to help me, I desired only to extract myself from this interior paralysis. Ten years, I celebrated my ten years of addiction to pornography and masturbation, after discovering at the age of eleven that my own father was himself a victim of this scourge.

It was an immensely heavy heritage to carry, for the child that I was. The image of a father and the coherence of the education I’d received crumbled. Suddenly, I wasn’t a child anymore. What I’d seen violated my childhood and destroyed my relationship with my father, replacing it with incomprehension, then with violence. I know that what animates my undertaking today is the need to spare this burden from my own child, to break the chain of passing it on to the next generation.

An interior straightjacket

With time, my addiction became little by little like a second skin, stopping me from being myself, blocking me from emerging in the world, and opening my arms to existence. Pornography dependence was like an interior straightjacket. My whole being was turned inwards to a ball within myself which I hated, which dominated me, but in which I took refuge, where I would escape from myself and the world. I was closing in on myself, I was both jailkeeper and prisoner, and unhappy.

Truly, after ten years, I couldn’t do it anymore. My skin was like a prison, enslaved to a force within myself much stronger than I was. On that day, by doing some research, I came across several websites and many different publications that I instantly bought and read. I was ready to try everything. Anything was better than carrying on like that. In reality it was this outburst that saved me. It wasn’t a momentum of willpower, where I promised the gods and myself once more never to go on pornographic websites. This never worked and I would always come away disappointed and disgusted with myself. No, it was different. It was the will to stop it, at any cost, to take up other weapons, ways other than direct confrontation, which only seemed to deceive and belittle me.

I can tell you that my life changed when I decided to open the book Get out of porn (1), and to follow the program Free to Love during the period of Lent.

A glimmer of light

For me, it was the first time a door was appearing before me, glimpsing a thread of light around it, bringing hope. For the first time, I started believing, after 10 years of practicing masturbation, having sexual relationships which were more or less balanced, and pornography addiction. I know that, on the last day, Easter evening, when I burnt the letter I’d written, in my little garden, which contained the confessions of these years of alienation, I felt like whatever came next, things would never be the same.

The weight of it wasn’t the same. The taste of liberty made me smile, I felt a real and authentic joy in my heart. However, to think that on the final day with the last page of the program turned, it was the end of the road, was a mistake. I’ve always loved efficiency, boxes ticked, lists crossed off, final points… I like to finish a step, not think about it anymore, and start a new one. In reality, after having turned the final page of the book, all the blank pages of my life stared up at me; and as the program had guided and supported me for a time, it was now down to me to take up the baton, like an invitation to the coming of age from childhood to adulthood. This program was not another box to tick. It was a walking stick God was offering me to journey on the road. It was the first (great) step on the path, opening the blank pages of our lives to write on. It was the new program opening up to me, the program of a lifetime. My mistake was to believe that I would never need the walking stick.

 

“Stand up, take your mat and go to your home.”

– Jesus, Mark’s Gospel, chapter 2, verses 1 to 12

But Jacob who had his hip wounded in combat with an angel in the Old Testament (2) will undoubtedly limp for the rest of his life. And Jesus did say to the paralytic “take your mat and go to your home” (2). I needed to humbly understand that this wound, even if it was healed, would accompany me with the walking stick. The hard winter evenings spent alone, which would burn me again, I would have this stick which served also as a reminder.

I followed the program in an exemplary manner. I did it assiduously, almost pridefully, I felt strong, a brave victorious warrior after battle with the enemy in me, who had enslaved me all these years. I bought all the referenced texts and read them, taking notes, planning spiritual retreats… When the last day of Lent was over, I put my sword away, believing myself to be free from my enemy who was definitively vanquished. I didn’t see him anymore, I had broken out of pornography, and so I didn’t watch out for him anymore. The months went by and I let my guard down, I lost a battle, then two, then three… What we call “falls”, knees to the ground. And as we’re terribly intelligent beings, we look for ways to disguise the hole in the road, which we pretend to have not seen coming, in the end we aren’t yet free, and liberty in the face of addictions is not something which is won in a single battle. It’s not a box we can tick, this has to be accepted.

The battle for liberty takes place every day, I would even say with every glance. And, in the end, glory dipped in pride is, little by little, transformed into humility and mercy towards yourself, to recognise I am “only” human and so, poor.

Three pieces of advice for getting there

So, the first piece of advice I’ll allow myself to offer you through this testimony, is about remaining prudent and not forgetting there are no ‘last pages’ in a program. Don’t set off without your walking stick, even if you think you’re strong enough. Our best strength is humility.

My second piece of advice, which I find hard to use myself sometimes, is to decrease the trust we put in our own strength so as to increase our faith in the grace and the fruits of our relationship with God, through prayer. It’s a shift in logic: going from strength, to abandonment and tenderness; from a need to control, to accepting that time is an ally and we must work with it. It’s in leaving the prison of inhibitions, where we’re folded in on ourselves, to unfolding and looking out into the world. It’s no longer a question of efficiency but a long road to walk. But I can see, and my life can testify, that looking back, the fruits are so much bigger than what I’d have been able to harvest by my own strength.

My third piece of advice is about not forgetting, after having done all that, not forgetting that the ultimate aim is to love, in all the variations that it might bring. To not forget the title of the program… I was so focussed on the addiction that I forgot about the cause: freedom to love. To want to be as pure as possible but with a heart dried up from lack of love, we’ll forget to live, work, cultivate our talents and put them in service of loving a woman “as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her” (3), and to put all our strength into the coming of the Kingdom of God. To finish, I feel that we need to rediscover the sense of rituals. The program proposes a certain number of them. I think it’s a good thing to take steps which are concrete and which map out the road over time and in truth. They give us the sensation of progressing, and so the strength to continue. Little rituals of passage, regular little rituals which help us and do us good. These are both little steps on the road and lights illuminating the path already trodden.

It’s possible to stop… with the help of others!

So, I assure you, I am writing what I always dreamed of hearing, yes, it is possible to stop using porn, yes. Yes, it is possible to move on, to change things, to evolve. Yes, it is possible to break out of pornography, the question is: do we really want to? Want do we truly desire deep down, for our life? How would we like to love the loved one? What are we prepared to put into place? Are we ready to make the first step today, even if it’s small, miniscule but as much as we are able to? To start the journey is already to have our soul retract itself from a dark corner of it.

We are not perfect beings, but there are three little things which make all the difference: we are no longer alone, we are on the path, and we believe in the hope that things can change. This is the path which constructs who we are, and we’ll walk it every day. We cannot let our guard down because in this world, the enemy is close and we’ll always be limping. It’s what I came to understand in the two years following the end of the program. We’ll always be scarred by it, but no longer overcome by it. So, this program has to offer a very deep experience for those who follow it, and it remains only for me to welcome you on this steep path, for whomever wants to be free to love!

And you, what do you think? Do you believe it’s possible to stop using porn? Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• How to stop watching porn: 10 techniques
• Porn and masturbation, are they the same battle?
• Liberated from pornography by Carlo Acutis

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* The firstname was changed.

(1) Sortir de la pornographie, Editions de l’Emmanuel, Paris.

(2) Bible, Gn 32, 25-29.

(3) La Bible, Eph 5, 25

Delivered from porn !??

From a very young age I resorted to masturbation, my thoughts were orientated towards sex and it even stopped me from concentrating at school. It grew to take enormous proportions, the older I got. During adolescence, I read a book written by Billy Graham, addressing the problems encountered in youth, and it was in this book that I realised masturbation was a sin – in the sense it cuts us off from God’s love.

Only, it was impossible for me to stop doing it. Much later, it opened the door to pornography. When I was 20yrs old, I was working nights and I stumbled across a private French channel airing an X-rated movie. It was my downfall. Little by little, I began watching X-rated movies whilst masturbating…

• Read also : Masturbation, what’s the problem?

A catastrophe

The arrival of the internet was a catastrophe. I wanted to go further and further and it never fully satisfied me: I even suggested that my wife join a sex club, thanks be to God she refused. I was involved in my parish, in charge of leading praise. I consulted a specialist, I also took part in a television program but it didn’t change anything. I was experiencing a spiritual death and had no idea how to turn back from the dead end; this lasted 25 years.

“Jesus liberated me !”

During this time, I tried psychology and psychiatry, but to no avail (it doesn’t always work…). Whilst surfing the internet, I read a Christian article addressing pornography, and it orientated me towards the program “The road to purity”. I thought it was in English, but I found that it existed in French too. I started the program and from the very first day, I was filled with joy! Jesus had liberated me!

Today, I am free from any sexual slavery and any form of impurity. It’s a process and the freedom is established uniquely with the grace of God, in daily communion with him.

Without this we can do nothing, only Jesus took our sin to the Cross. All we have to do is trust him because he has the power to set us free, which the world doesn’t. I can finally say: the person the Son frees will truly be free. I thank Jesus, who delivered me. I thank my pastor who started this work with me. I thank my mentor and the whole team of ‘To free captives’ whom God put on my path!

 

So, what do you think about it? Do want to be delivered from porn? Come and talk to us via the live chat’! (Free and anonymous listening service)On the same topic:

• “I was a porn addict, prayer healed me!”
• “Christ delivered me from pornography“
• Marcelin: “It’s possible to stop using porn”

To go further about porn addiction:

• How to stop watching porn: 10 techniques
• Deliverance prayer