Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me. Answer by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Therapist (*).

• Also read : My husband watches porn: is it my fault?

Question

I’m a 25 year old wife and mother. Recently my husband disclosed his porn addiction to me. He has been looking at porn since our engagement four years ago.  I’m completely broken by this discovery. I feel that our marriage is soiled, I feel inadequate as a wife and I feel so angry and pain beyond description.

He assures me that it has nothing to do with me and that I am beautiful and attractive to him. He says that he hates this addiction/compulsion and it’s broken him. While I believe him and forgive him I cannot understand how it has trapped him. How can something he hates pull him in?

I want to see what he’s been watching so I can accept it/understand it and move past it, my imagination constantly torments me. When we speak about it I see the pain its caused him, and that makes me angry too and i feel guilty for bringing it up. I feel so deceived thinking I was the only woman my husband has intimately been with. How can I move on?

Answer

The emotions you are feeling right now are quite normal and, believe it or not, healthy. What you are struggling with is Betrayal Trauma.

Most women when they discover their husband’s pornography addiction feel deeply hurt and betrayed. While pornography may be nothing more than images on a computer screen to men, they aren’t just images to their wives. Those images are other people!

For wives, this is as serious as an extramarital affair. It’s adultery.

Knowing her husband views porn also hurts a wife’s self-image. The women in porn are generally between the ages of 18 and 25. Most have had extensive plastic surgery and thanks to makeup and digital enhancements, these women don’t exist in real life. When a wife discovers what her husband is viewing, she thinks to herself, “How can I compete? He must think I’m ugly. I’ve lost my beauty and I am no longer desirable!” She feels rejected and replaced. This can be devastating for a woman. I believe that if all men really knew how much their pornography use would hurt their wives, no man would ever want to touch it!

Right now, it’s okay to feel hurt, angry and betrayed. You have the right to feel this way. However, you also need to work on healing and forgiveness. Your husband is correct in saying the pornography us is not about you, your beauty, or your adequacy as a wife.

To him you are beautiful and he would never want to replace you for the women in porn. He realizes how the addiction has enslaved him and how it has hurt you and your marriage. Naturally he hates pornography, and that he has become addicted to it. It sounds like he is truly sorry for how he has hurt you. It also sounds like he sincerely wants to overcome the addiction and restore your marriage.

The reasons

There are many reasons why men become addicted to pornography:

First, men are wired to be visually stimulated. When they encounter an erotic image, they automatically look! This sets in motion a series of neurochemical reactions that produce a “high” feeling. This, accompanied by orgasm, can lead a man back to it over and over again. The body then becomes dependent on this neurochemical/orgasm reaction.

There are also psychological and social reasons why men become addicted to porn. Many men grow up in a world where pornography and exploiting women is accepted. This makes it easy to use porn. They may also use porn to self-medicate deep emotional wounds. Thus the porn use is really the symptom of deeper emotional conflicts. Moving on from here means seeking help for healing and recovery. I recommend contacting a licensed Catholic therapist who is certified in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Your husband needs to be in a
comprehensive recovery program to overcome his addiction.

You may need counseling to help you recover from the betrayal trauma. Both of you will also need marital counseling to restore your marriage. While this may seem overwhelming, the process is very gentle. It’s all about healing and restoration – becoming the individuals and couples God created you to be!

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here to pray with you and ask Carlo Acutis for his intercession:

Going further:

• “My husband was miraculously cured through Carlo Acutis thanks to SOS Porn!”
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?
• What does pornography do to marriages? 

(*) Dr. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in West Conshohocken, PA. Dr. Kleponis has over 17 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, men’s issues, and pornography addiction recovery. Dr. Kleponis is creator of the Integrity Restored Recovery Program for pornography addiction and cofounder of the Integrity Restored Network. He is author of the book, The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach. Through his Fighting Porn in Our Culture…and Winning! conference Dr. Kleponis travels internationally speaking about the pornography epidemic, how to protect families, and how to help those who struggle with addiction. His website is www.IntegrityRestored.com.