Is counseling a must for the porn addict?

Question

I found out my husband was addicted to porn 3 years into our marriage – 13 years ago. He went to counseling, we went to counseling, he went to SA, I went to Sanon – He acted out off and on and struggled on his own. I thought we were free from it at least since 2006. I found out in March that he had been viewing again with the newly acquired Kindle from last year.

All along lying if I would ask… Even now he doesn’t really recognize or admit to the fact that this is hurtful to “us” –our marriage and our family — although he knows it is certainly wrong. He has “given up” everything including all electronics (again) but he “doesn’t need” help or anyone to tell him what to do, nor will he talk about it with me.

If I try to talk or have a reasonable discussion forget it – “I don’t want to talk about it!” is all I hear. We live in a tiny town with little resources for this and also have no way to afford counseling but I would LOVE to have help. Is there even any real hope of true help without the counseling, 12 step group or anything like that? Also, he will not really pray with me although he goes to Mass regularly and has gone to confession since he was found out by me back in March. Besides divine intervention is there any reason I should hope for things to really improve? Who can really know these answers?

Answer

by Dr Peter C. Kleponis*

While it is important to pray for healing, and God does sometimes deliver people from addiction, I don’t believe a person can truly recover from an addiction without participating in a comprehensive recovery program. There are several components needed for an effective recovery program, which I cover in the Integrity Restored Recovery Program. They are:

1. Self-knowledge and Commitment: Admitting one has an addiction, taking responsibility for it, and being fully committed to recovery. This also includes recognizing one’s triggers and developing strategies to avoid acting out.

2 Purifying Your Life: Removing all pornography and any source of pornography from one’s life, and making sure it doesn’t come back. It also includes using Internet filter and accountability systems, guarding one’s eyes, and respecting other people’s bodies.

3. Support and Accountability: Recovery comes through community. An addict needs to surround himself with others who understand the struggle, who will support him, and keep him accountable in recovery. He will do the same for them. This is where 12-step recovery groups are crucial. It is almost impossible to recover from an addiction alone.

4. Counseling: We need to look at the pornography use as the symptom. The real question is: “What is driving the need to compulsively view pornography?” Counseling can help an addict uncover and resolve the root causes of the addiction. This can lead to true healing and lasting sobriety. For couples, marital therapy is needed for healing the marriage.

5. Spiritual Plan: A healthy relationship with God is necessary for recovery. Here an addict realizes how deeply loved his is. He can receive God’s love, healing, mercy, compassion and forgiveness. All of this will give him the strength to persevere and succeed in recovery.

6. Education: As with any issue to overcome, education is necessary for recovery. An addict must understand the addiction and recovery proves. Many addicts are unaware of what healthy sexuality and intimacy are. Education in these areas is also necessary for healthy recovery.

7. Virtue: To fight a vice one must use virtue. The ultimate goal of recovery is not just sobriety, but transformation. This means allowing God to come into one’s life and transform him into a new creation. This happens through prayer and living a virtuous life. This can reinforce the progress one has made in recovery. It also leads to healed relationships.

In a situation like yours, you may need to give your husband an ultimatum. Either he gets help or you are leaving him. Often addicts need to realize how much they stand to lose to get them to commit to a recovery program. This is tough love. You must stand by your convictions.

If he is not willing to get help after receiving an ultimatum, then you will know that pornography is more important to him than his wife and kids. That would not be a healthy environment for you or your kids. Fortunately, when wives are serious about their ultimatums, husbands usually respond positively.

Do you too want to receive help from heaven to get rid of this addiction? We are here for you, via the chat to listen and answer your questions:

Going further:

• Wich path of recovery from porn addiction?
• Help! My husband recently disclosed his porn addiction to me.
• My husband watches porn: is it my fault?

(1) Dr Peter Kleponis Ph.D. is a Licensed clinical psychotherapist. He’s a faithful Catholic who specializes in helping those struggling to be free of pornography.